Veteran of the Psychic Wars

So, yes, as horrifying a concept as it may be, Mys is still alive and kicking, slightly more with the kicking than before, if truth be told.

( Kitchen sink, you say? Yes, I happen to have one right here. )

Anywho, I have fic to read, shows to watch, fic to WRITE (lookit, I can say that without wanting to cry or rip my hair out, much, lol), and the Great Fandom Repost to work on, so I am shutting up now and going to poke this TS fic with a stick and make sure an anthropologist falls out from under it and not a cop then maybe finish up the little drabble I’m working on for Arthur

Pup and I went to the couples counseling the other day… it went okay, mostly background stuff, so hard to tell how it’s gonna go, but it had all good signs, so we’ll see.
I also got the results from the psych eval… and yes, I have yet another dx I am now known as Princess BiPolar, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Banana Fanna Asperger the Third, but you can call me Dot. (I know bad joke, but it’s always what I think of when I start rattling off my dx’s, and even there I couldn’t fit in the social and agoraphobia, lol). So yeah, lots of fun there.

I also did something I just don’t do, no matter how badly the muses and life are behaving- I dropped out of not just one, but both of my Christmas exchanges, incl deancas_xmas, which I’ve completed every year it’s been around, even the two years they gave me squick city prompts/likes/dislikes. Seriously have you ppl seen how many times I use the words “happy endings” and “I don’t write fallen/human!Cas”… I repeat the later a minimum of 5 times in my ‘dislikes’ and ‘what I won’t write’ sections, each, you would think they’d take the hint, lol. Anyway, I’m trying (and failing) not to get uber depressed about that. Doesn’t help that I’ve barely written more than a sentence or two in something like five or six months. :/
It also doesn’t help that I started to get a bunch of favourites on some of my old Dean/Cas fic (usually happens when the season starts and during hellatus) and I wound up going back over some of them and came to the very depressing conclusion that they sucked; which is extra depressing ‘cause I really enjoy(ed) writing Dean/Cas and those fics… right now I have the urge to delete them all from existence.
*sighs* Sometimes, esp lately, I think maybe I should just give up fandom altogether; I mean, seriously thinking about it, not just those bouts of self-doubt that I think all writers (and everyone else) go through from time to time (we just seem to do it more often, lol).
On the upside someone fav’d a story of mine on WWOMB that I couldn’t remember, so I went to look and I actually liked it. On the downside, it was a fic written for a friend, who isn’t a friend anymore, almost an enemy you could say, I usually settle for backstabbing bitch, though, in a matter of a couple hours, in a fandom I don’t write in, for a pairing that I have major misgivings about. *sighs* And the damn thing was actually pretty good. :/
I still feel like deleting everything or at least denying the existence of it all, remove any trace of my existence, change my penname to anon or something and erase all my details and put my fic comm on lockdown.

All the movie reminiscing lead to my deciding to follow a whim and see if I could actually find all 4 seasons of PtL. I’ve tried on occasion with little to no luck… but this time… this time I found all 4. :D By the time I actually post this they will be in my grubby little hands and the Clan may not see me for many, many days… or at least they wouldn’t if I had my way, lol.
NB- Since I started rewatching Legacy, I am having the subtle strings of an urge to find SPN/PtL crossovers, even though I sincerely doubt that any exist… and before you start suggesting it, no, I do not feel the urge/motivation/inspiration or otherwise to rectify this grievous oversight. Btb, if anyone knows of any said crossovers, even gen… maybe even het if it’s Derek/Rachel, I can stomach Derek/Rachel… let me know, PPPPPPLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS.

Right now, I’m supposed to be fixing this blasted dress for HRH. I don’t mind really. I just hate it when she asks me to take something up and it winds up with me doing things like add sleeves. I hate sleeves. Sleeves are the spawn of the devil. Esp putting sleeves on a dress not meant to have sleeves without the arm of the person said sleeve is supposed to go on, after having had to do rather large adjustments of both the breastline and the shoulders. *sighs* But I’ll get it done. I found an old pattern with a basic sleeve that I’m altering to hopefully fit the bill. Yay-rah.
Oh, and Fanboy thinks I’m talking to him again. I fed him the other day and now he thinks we’re back on speaking terms ‘cause I said like three words to him ("take," "here," and "yes" I believe). Thing is about a week ago I thought I might actually be there, but then I started having nightmares again. So far no nightmares, and I’ve stopped tensing so hard I hurt every time he comes in the room. To his credit he’s not pushing, just being rather obvious with the talking. We’ll see.

You guys know how I admit to liking weird music, and not necessarily weird in its nature, but weird in the hide-it-under-the-bed-in-an-old-shoebox-so-nobody-knows-you-actually-like-that way. I try very hard to let my guard slip here, since I can’t hear the ridicule or see the horrified condescending looks (did I mention they said I had marked levels of paranoia during the eval?). Anyway, every now and then I actually get in a Christmasy mood, music-wise, and I’ve been slowly, moreso the last couple years, but still pretty slowly working on gathering a collection of Christmas music- and really trying to locate songs that you never knew who they were by or rarely heard when they weren’t being sung by your family is a pain in the ass. But anyway, some of the stuff is just, you know, standard generic holiday, snow frolicking, well-wishing, blah, blah, blah stuff and some of it’s more uh, religious, for lack of a better word; not because I’m religious in that sense, hello, pagan, but it’s just the stuff you grew up with and just because something is ‘religious’ in nature doesn’t mean it’s not pretty or enjoyable. Well, like I said I’ve been working on getting a collection together and have finally managed a small selection of stuff I grew up with, and a lot of it I’ve even managed to identify the artist involved- I am unabashedly proud of this accomplishment, lol. And well, the other day I was cooking, baking actually, and was playing my music… it took all of about five minutes before Pup was ragging on me about it being all “hallelujah this and hallelujah that”- not my fault she doesn’t like Handel. Yeah, well, she’s not letting me live it down either… ‘s hard enough to get me to admit what stuff I like, esp when it’s something I feel self-conscious about, I really don’t need her of all ppl making me feel like shit for it. *sighs*

You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating up our brains
Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever...
I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
My energy's spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on

Veteran of the Psychic Wars- Blue Öyster Cult

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So, I've been on a movie watching kick the last few days (figured I needed a break from all the angsty/heavy drama stuff I've been watching) and since I've been pretty much ignoring everyone (nothing personal just were the brain is), I thought maybe I'd share y unsolicited and most like unpopular opinions. :P

I was looking for suspense/horror...
this is what I got... (pls forgive my short not-so-good summaries, I have a hard enough time writing my fic summaries, so...)

( Oh, the horror!!! (or not) )

The dental nightmare is being nightmarish. The stitches came out last Thursday and promptly on Friday I started having horrible, horrible pain in one of the teeth next to the pins. It felt like someone had gripped the tooth in a pair of pliers and was twisting it... I'm having to take as much or more painkillers than after the surgery to make it stop hurting. And yes, I went back for an emergency appt on Monday and they don't know what's wrong. There may be the beginnings of an infection, but it wasn't big enough on the x-ray to be sure, the tooth that's hurting had a cap put on it a couple months ago and it was/is a lot bigger than the original tooth ever was and they said I was biting on it too hard... it's actively loose. :( Anyway, they filed it down so hopefully I won't bite so hard and want me to follow up with my regular dentist, unfortunately his next available appt isn't until early November, but they did tell me not to hesitate to call if the pain keeps up. Yay-rah! :/

HRH and I are going at it most of the time these days. She's constantly whining about not getting to watch telly every single time she wants, and complaining about me watching my baseball and forensic shows. *sighs* I really do not understand. Pup got ESPN America for the sole purpose of allowing me to watch my baseball- I say she got it because I hadn't so much as asked for it, but she'd seen how much I was watching it when we first moved in and they hadn't set up all the cable blocks for the channels we weren't supposed to get- yet I'm not allowed to actually watch it. And all of them are all like "didn't you watch this game yesterday/the other day" and don't seem to understand the concept of 'series'. *head desk* Anyway, now that it's the post-season I'm being much bitchier about it, which is not going over well at all. So many fights... Top it off with HRH's continued refusal to help out around the house- and she's constantly blaming it on things like not having this or that fancy cleaner or not being able to watch telly or, and this is my favourite, not being up to it because she's been out with her friends all day/night... this does not make me empathize with her. *sighs*

I'm still getting better at this attacking business in Utopia. :D I actually came out really well from our last war. Hehe. And sensei introduced me to plunder attacks >:) it's like thief ops with your army, lol. I like stealing other ppls things. Yes, I am evil, but it's soooooooo much fun.

I haven't written anything in ages. I was just taking a break... and now I have all these half formed ideas niggling at me and the merlin_holidays exchange to do, but nothing wants to actually start. :/ But once I get the teeth pain under control I plan to try to actually focus on that.

Oh, yes... I got a call today from the ppl doing my Aspie eval, and they asked if they could bump me over to Stockholm, since it will be a lot quicker, like before the end of the year type quicker. :D Still haven't heard about the therapist, and still not doing good on the whole... too close to the edge among other things. About lost it when some pushy bint started tapping my arm- not my shoulder, my arm... there... at least I didn't round on her, but still spent most of the day uber on edge. *sigh* I really am not doing good, well, not as good as I was, still, hella better than it used to be.

In a random sports note- the Cards made the post-season!!! Of course, so did the Nats, the O's, and the Braves, if only in a fight for the wildcard spot. I'm routing for the Cards as you might expect... it kinda sucks that the three teams I like in the NL are all up against each other in the first wave of post-season games, lol. Although, at least I'll know early on who I've got to choose between. :)

ETA- Well, that was fun. I stuck to my guns and told HRH I wasn't feeding her since she wasn't helping out- it's been over two weeks since I made the declaration. This led to a huge blow up with much yelling and calling me names and did I mention the yelling? Screeching would be more accurate. Anyway... she finally did some of her dishes- slamming and clashing and leaving stuff in the sink rather than putting it up; I'm surprised she managed to do it without breaking anything. Pup even went off about the mess in the living room and how she just spreads her shit all over the place... *sighs* I hold no illusions that this will be the end of things, more likely the beginning, but at least she knows I mean what I say now.

And now that I am nicely stressed out by that screaming fit HRH just had, I think I am going to curl up with my sore tooth and my warm cuddly cardigan and watch some bad movies until the Cards-Nats game comes on.

So I survived the amusement park. It was actually a lot of fun. HS didn't have any screaming sessions and HRH only got in one fight with Fanboy, lol. Somehow, I got browbeaten talked into going on the Free Fall with HS (no one else would brave it, lol)- it was fun, I didn't even burst anyone's eardrums with my screaming. And they had a couple new coasters, including a wooden one, well, partly wooden. I think it was designed to give the overall feel of a wooden coaster, which it did admirably, with the added support of a steel support structure. Whatever the idea, it was brilliant. :D I could have happily ridden that one all day, lol.

We went up to this shopping centre a couple days before that- it's the only proper 'mall' they have imo and it was actually pretty big, and... I bought stuff!!!!! I finally found my pens! And Pup promptly gave me a hard time for not buying a million of them, lol. I told her that's why I bought two and not just one. The things last me forever even with how much I hand write fic and research notes and stuff, my last one lasted me over six months, so two is plenty. I also bought new leggings, a tank top, and a light weight 'cardigan'- big spending there, lol. I also got the nerve up to ask Pup to help me order new jeans and a top from this one catalogue, haven't done it yet, but I actually spoke up about something I need/want. *is proud*

This walking thing is still only making me feel worse. :/ Sometimes I wonder if it'd actually make me feel better if I went at night. Night's always better for me, so maybe it'd work then. I don't know, just something else to think about and deal with.

Doc said I'm alive and all my tests were within normal range for a type 2 diabetic- he even took me off one of my diabetes meds (not that big a deal when you consider that the pharmacies 'round here have a problem getting it in so I haven't been properly on it for almost a year, still I'm diabetic and almost a decade ago they said I'd be on insulin within the year- I wasn't, and now they've taken off two of my three diabetes meds, so it's all good; and ohhhhhh, look at this run-on sentence, a parenthetical one even :P ) and said they could increase the dosage of the one I'm on if needs be, another oddity, since I was told I was on the max dosage, hence the other two diabetes meds. Whatever, it's a good thing. :D

I'm going slightly nuts with Utopia. My KD's leadership is not what it should be, but he's been the monarch there for YEARS, so it's not like I can call him out on any of it. *grr* And compared to a lot of KDs he's good. I have a friend who's moving to another KD with a friend of his and he wants me to go with him. Me and two others, basically those of us who actually planned and tried to run proper wars and kept us from getting thoroughly wasted in the ones we were in. But I don't think his friend likes me... I'm a thief and she mainly wants attackers. :/ And she totally verbally bitch-slapped me when I asked what she thought about doing a T/A. My friend says he'll help me go attacker, I've only ever been T/M or hybrid, and he really wants me there (and he's helping me figure out a way to go T/A without officially going T/A, lol), but I don't think their monarch is gonna let me in, and there's less than a day left before the Age resets. *sighs* I really want to be in a working KD. I really want to stay a thief, but I can try attacker if I'm in a decent KD. Sometimes I think I expect too much since I was monarch for four Ages, years ago, I have standards that other monarchs don't. And do not misinterpret that- I do not want to be monarch again; I just have ideas on how a KD should be run. Oh, well, we'll see what today brings.

I did drop the blog!fic out of the big bang and I feel better about it, now I can sort it out properly and not try to force it out. It was a good decision. Now, if I could only get my Giles voice to work properly, I could finish Briana's b-day fic... *sighs* If it's not one thing, it's another, lol. On a happier or at least more satisfying note, my other big bang fic, Battle Hymns, is all wrapped up; put the finishing touches on it last night and my artist has done some absolutely amazing art for it. :D
In related news:
I GOT MY POSTING DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The 15th of August if anyone's wondering. It's the last fic to go up. I'm excited! And terrified; like I told Arthur, I'm gonna be a wreck and hiding behind her once it goes up- I always get freaked when I post to a new fandom, or to a big bang, and with this I'm doing both! *head desk* (No, I'm not counting my 221B, since I only posted it on AO3 and it's a bloody sappy drabble; this 'll be my first proper foray into Sherlock fandom... why do I do this to myself again? Oh, yes, Glutton For Punishment.)

Okay, Mys' shutting up now; got dishes that need doing and drying laundry that needs tending and all those other lovely housey things.


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Well, I’m still alive if anyone’s interested. The dentist has not managed to kill me yet, though I think he gave it a good try yesterday, lol.
I ate a popsicle last Friday! The Clan did not understand the value of this… I’ve never been able to actually eat as in bite into and chew a popsicle before. It was novel to say the least. :)
I should know by August/September if my bone can take the implants or if it’ll be permanent bridges, either way it’s gonna be weird, ‘m having enough trouble getting used to the prosthesis and the cap, well, that’s not exactly true, I am used to them, I’m just not used to having teeth that sit properly or for that matter are whole.

In other news, for those who may have missed it, I finished Battle Hymns (aka the-fic-I’m-not-supposed-to-be-writing) and it’s off with my Brit-picker, but, more than that, it’s off with my artist! *chews lip nervously*

In other, other news, my other (wonder if I can fit any more “other”s into this sentence) fic, the infamous blog!fic, is dying a slow and painful death. :/ Okay, so it might not be that bad, but it feels like it, and unfortunately it has as much to do with my head as anything. I can’t think straight, literally. My brain feels like ‘m playing a game of Frogger… in the dark… without my glasses on... complete with the ensuing headache.
I wonder if I tell my doc that if he’d understand. I miss the last guy, he was better… I hate this not being able to choose my p-doc, but that’s something else entirely.

*takes deep breath* Okay, now, I think I can get back to the fic ‘m reading, and who knows maybe eventually get some of my own work done- hey, I can dream, can’t I!!!!!


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What the ever flying FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I'm not doing good, yeah, and haven't been for a while now. And I FINALLY get the nerve up, or maybe just realized how bad I was doing, to call my p-doc. Not easy when you've got my DXs. And I get told that my doc doesn't work there anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, AND apparently I'm on a waiting list for a new doc. Thing is my doc was NEW he'd just started. You guys know what hells I went through with the doc change this winter, how fucking terrified I was. And how much I really liked this guy. He didn't treat me like an idiot AND he actually understood my PTSD, how it was a build up and not just a single pinpointable thing. He was even talking about getting me into proper therapy for it. Now, they're telling me he's gone... I torn between crying like a baby and angry and terrified. Yeah, and I was supposed to have an appointment in, like, July, so the guy I was talking to wasn't exactly in a hurry to find me someone. I'm already totally on edge, trying not to just scream and cry constantly... and now this. Lst time they put me on a waiting list, well, it's been almost three years and I'm still on that waiting list, admittedly that list is to get eval'ed for Aspergher and ADHD so it's not considered 'sensitive'. Doesn't help that my Swedish isn't that good, well, the speaking it part, I can understand most of it, every now and then I get stuck, you know words I haven't heard before or often- I got totally stuck on 'anaesthesia' at the hygienist yesterday, but really how often do you hear that in everyday conversation. Yeah, and that whole language thing has been another problem, it's hard to talk psych stuff even if I was fluent, and because of where I live there aren't very many translators that speak English, and there's another waiting list for them.
Seriously though, what's the world got against me right now. I'm not doing good, my only friends are doing even worse, and now my doc's disappeared!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Oh, and the guy told me he'd forward a msg to 'the team'. There is NO team! That's why I could only see the one doc. There's only one doc on staff that treats BP. And this guy, he tries to tell me Dr. Eriksson is on file as my doc- Dr. Eriksson transferred to the emergency psychward that was the entire reason I had to go through the hell of getting a new doc! I'm so confused. I really don't want some filler doc, esp if they're not used to treating my DXs...
I think I will go look for chocolate and my aardvark, maybe Jack, and my blanky... what, so I'm thirtysomething and still have teddies and my old baby blanket, I'm also nuts and not doing okay, you really expect normal from me?


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Soooooo, long time, no post...
First off, 'm fine or as fine as I ever am.. okay, nevermind, lol.

( A bunch of random stuff you don't want to know )

In a minute 'm gonna post something else, so I apologize if it looks like 'm spamming, promise I don't mean to and there shouldn't be anything else today, k.


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So, I guess it's 'cause of where my head is, as opposed to where it should be, but I got the itching to read some, erm, triggery fic, PTSD and that sort of thing, I guess I was looking for some comfort, even if it was seeing/reading one of my characters going through it and getting the comfort they needed... I have since decided that these ppl are morons. No offence really meant by that 'cause a lot of them get the PTSD basics right, but they don't seem to be able to fit it to the character- I find THAT infuriating and it kinda leaves me completely unfulfilled and more than a little angry. 'm not sure I should be, since most of the ppl who get the PTSD part right have probably lived it, but I still find it upsetting... I know it can be done, 've seen it done, moulded to the characters and their particular psyche. *sighs* I guess I just expect too much from fandom.

You guys remember how I was freaking over my P-doc leaving and me getting handed over to some new person with no say in it whatsoever... not just that, but his replacement was a woman!
Weeeellllll, I got a letter this afternoon with my next appointment ('ve been dreading it just ask Arthur) anyway, the name on the paper is Tomazs something... now, correct me if 'm wrong, but isn't that a guy's name? It has given me hope! Maybe this won't be so awful afterall... *crosses fingers*

Don't worry I haven't suddenly formed some strange optimistic side. :p~ I still have my SSI review to sort out and Pup got appts for her hand surgery and another procedure (which apparently I am not suitably concerned enough with), so it's not like this possible goodish news isn't counterbalanced by other ick, lol.


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