Psychodrama and Psycho Drama(?)
Nov. 11th, 2012 04:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
heavenlyxbodiesYou know how sometimes I just post “eskimo” when I’m not doing okay… I figure those who get it deserve to, but anyway. I have discovered in recent days that there is something beyond eskimo, something as yet unnamed. I’ve barely talked to Sensei or the rest of my gaming ppl, I haven’t really been up to facing anyone he last couple days (part of why I’m trying to make myself write this). I mean after everything the last month I think I’m finally breaking. I think the final straw has been my shrink. I mean, he KNOWS that I have no faith in ppl, as a species I think they are cruel and innately malevolent. He and Pup ganged up on me last time I saw him because of it, so I know he knows. And Monday I actually went down to his office and left him a letter… everybody (or at least most ppl) knows how hard it is for me to make calls, add that to everything that’s happened and we probably would have entered the next ice age before I managed to stay on the line long enough to talk to him. I even checked to see if he was in. And here it is Sunday and he hasn’t so much as called to say we’ll talk about it Monday (tomorrow), when I see him again… That on top of his already making me feel like shit for thinking ppl suck, giving me the “walking” speech as if that’ll cure my ills- hello, I’ve been in some form of therapy pretty much since I was 16, I think, we’ve covered ‘ways to help you depression 101’ by now- and making me fight for a therapist is not going over well. I mean really this guy is supposed to be trained in this shit and he can’t see what he’s doing? Or worse, he’s one of those whose intent is to make you feel like this; I’ve had those before… the last one almost got bitch-slapped, literally.
Add to that, I got pissed at Pup for doing her everyone’s at fault thing. I agreed with her, but tried to tell her that didn’t matter, what mattered was he, someone I trusted, attacked me in my home. Period. End of story. That was what mattered. She also got me upset enough, though it was more the situation than her, to say what I’d been feeling since it happened, which was either he goes or I do. And she had the nerve to get upset and say I was trying to make her choose between me and her daughter, I told her no, I would never do that; I was making her choose between me and him. Anyway, she made me feel guilty and brought up some past issues between us, which really, I can’t bring up something from the past without it being me trying to change the subject or holding a grudge or whatever, but anyway, I told her I’d stay and call my shrink in the morning (this was Sunday last). (In a bit of an accomplishment this lead to me forcing Pup to get the number for the family counselling place, who I managed to call and leave a msg at after their telephone hours; they called the next day and we're going to see them at the end of Nov... I just can't believe she finally agreed to it, let alone that I managed to call... then again with everything else that might not seem so insurmountable.) So, yeah, since then I’ve been hiding and scared (admittedly irrationally so, but if PTSD and Mis in general were rational they wouldn’t be Mis and we wouldn’t need help dealing with them) in turns. And like right now, Pup’s upset because I grabbed my comp and my knitting (yes, I started knitting again, which is weird since the last time I knit anything I was like 6 or 7, but somehow I still remember how to do basic stitching *shrugs*), when he was having a smoke and not between me and my stuff, and bundled it all off to the bedroom. I received much huffing and puffing from her, which means she thinks I’m being immature, but I told her, I was afraid, so I don’t see how my doing my best to alleviate the situation warrants huffing and puffing. And I’m terrified that tomorrow my shrink is gonna side with her or give me some shit about facing your fears. Thank you Dr. Phil, I face my fears every fucking day; asking me to live in a house where I am trapped with not just one person who beats on me and gets away with it, but another who betrayed me AND attacked me is more than facing your fucking fears, it’s living in a nightmare.
--- ETA: I just got huffed at some more ‘cause she asked if I was eating dinner now or later.
I asked, why wouldn’t I,?
She said, because we’re eating all around the table.
I asked, who?
She huffed and closed the door without answering.
Sorry, I am not breaking bread with someone who is making my life a living hell. It’s one thing to eat with HS; she’s a kid, she’s a kid with Aspergher and ADHD, she’s a kid with Aspergher and ADHD who has already started going through puberty way before she should and way ahead of any of her friends/classmates her own age- I can understand her not being able to control her anger yet and having all those wonderful hormones on top of her dxs. I will never count that as an excuse, but I understand it makes it exponentially harder for her to control herself and her emotions; she’s still responsible for her actions, but she’s not as in control of them and I can understand and respect that.---
I haven’t written anything since the thing with HS, not saying it’s her fault, that would be silly, but struggling with the writing and then that to scramble my brain and the other thing to totally derail and crash whatever trains of thought I had about anything… How the hells can I think about writing when every second I spend looking over my shoulder and fighting back fear and tears and generally being uber broken?
Now in other news, I have watched more horror movies in the last month than I have in the last, oh pretty much since I’ve been here. These don't contain descriptions as it's hard enough for me to do that and there's just too many, lol.
Twixt- Huh? Wait, he...? No, it was…? Huh? How’d that happen????
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter- *sigh* What do you expect with a name like that?
Beneath the Darkness- bleh, not bad, not good… good for mind-numbing fun, or you know when you don’t wanna think about things like how far you can push the good ol’ suspension of disbelief
Scream of the Banshee- You know I can barely remember this, that’s how good (or bad) it was… the kind of thing you’d expect on the first reel of USA Up All Night *as if anyone actually remembers that, lol), high end B movie simple plot, predictable execution
Yellowbrickroad (yes, it's all one word)- Ugh, painful… I will go so far as to say this one SUCKED, it had potential then suddenly everyone went crazy with no explanation, not even a spooky ‘oooooohhhhhhh, eeeeevvvvvviiiiiiiilllllllll resides here’ feel to explain it.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)- Muppet Freddy… that is all you need to know
Legion- I actually liked this one, of course it had Paul Bettany in it so it already had bonus points, lol, but it was fun, I enjoyed it
Daybreakers- technically I’m still in the middle of this one, but since I have been jonesing to see it since I first heard whispers of it back in ’07, and so far it has yet to disappoint, I have high hopes (besides Ethan Hawke with yellow/red glowy eyes and fangs is kinda to die for, lol)
Case 39- ahhhh, yeah, it’s not bad, good little creepy kid movie, I wouldn’t run out to see it or anything though. It’s definitely a wait until it rolls around on tv type and only then when there’s nothing better on
My Soul to Take- I’m torn. For mindless horror movie it was good. Exactly the right mix of plot, creepy, and fun- one of those you can put your brain on auto pilot for and still come out feeling like you had fun. Please note that fun does not necessarily mean good.
Basement- *gags* Okay, it starts off generic enough (not really a problem imo, not a soaring recommendation, but by no means a problem), keeps going in this generic fashion, then suddenly you’re at the end and it’s like NOW they decided to stick a plot in, of course with 5 minutes left in the movie there’s not exactly a lot of time to connect it up, and it fails miserably at doing so. It’s one of those things where the ending not only comes out of left field, but misses it’s mark, too. They tried to link it up to the beginning, but the middle just… well, there wasn’t enough plot exposition, I guess you’d call it, to explain or foreshadow in any way what happened.
Halloween II (Rob Zombie’s remake)- Arthur, I’m sorry to say, but I did not like this AT ALL. It was fine I’m sure, but it would have made a better stand-alone movie than something that was supposed to connect up with something else. It was unfulfilling and had a couple major plot discrepancies from the first one, and that’s the kind of thing that can ruin a film for me.
Trick ‘r Treat- surprisingly fun. I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. It was a lot of fun. Kind of Tales From the Crypt-y.
Dead Air- Fun, predictable, somewhat disappointing, it needed more umph, but you know not horrible. Very B movie quality. I wouldn’t go out of my way, but if it’s on in the middle of the night and you can’t sleep, sure, watch it.
The Burrowers- oh, gods, stay away! It almost had a plot, it almost executed said plot, then it threw a curve ball and went off in another direction then ended disappointingly.
Prom Night (remake)- I cannot express how much fun this was. It was old school. And it had the guy who plays Luther in, which really threw me for the first little while ‘cause he was speaking American English and I kept staring trying to decide if it was him or not, lol. Oh, this has nothing to do with the plot of the original Prom Night or even Hello, Mary Lou: Prom Night II
Midnight Meat Train- hmm, how do you explain a B movie plot with an A(okay A-) list cast…
Cthulhu- Ouch, ouch, ouch… umm, yeah… skip it, even if you’re a fan of Lovecraft, pls skip it. You know those movies that make you groan? This was a groaner, all the way through a complete groaner… if you’re gonna watch it do it with a friend so you can heckle it a la MST3K it’s that level of crappy.
Halloween (Rob Zombie’s remake)- despite what I said about its sequel, this one was really good. It held enough of the original to make you feel all Michael Myers-y, but with the right amount (and logical) differences/insights so you didn’t feel like you were just watching the same thing all over again.
Venom- Ah, this one Arthur suggested when I was feeling lost in a sea of awful horror movies. It was just what she promised- classic, bordering on cheesy because it was classic, horror. Creepy occult monster, requisite stereotypical body count, you know, typical classic horror movie formula.
Add to that, I got pissed at Pup for doing her everyone’s at fault thing. I agreed with her, but tried to tell her that didn’t matter, what mattered was he, someone I trusted, attacked me in my home. Period. End of story. That was what mattered. She also got me upset enough, though it was more the situation than her, to say what I’d been feeling since it happened, which was either he goes or I do. And she had the nerve to get upset and say I was trying to make her choose between me and her daughter, I told her no, I would never do that; I was making her choose between me and him. Anyway, she made me feel guilty and brought up some past issues between us, which really, I can’t bring up something from the past without it being me trying to change the subject or holding a grudge or whatever, but anyway, I told her I’d stay and call my shrink in the morning (this was Sunday last). (In a bit of an accomplishment this lead to me forcing Pup to get the number for the family counselling place, who I managed to call and leave a msg at after their telephone hours; they called the next day and we're going to see them at the end of Nov... I just can't believe she finally agreed to it, let alone that I managed to call... then again with everything else that might not seem so insurmountable.) So, yeah, since then I’ve been hiding and scared (admittedly irrationally so, but if PTSD and Mis in general were rational they wouldn’t be Mis and we wouldn’t need help dealing with them) in turns. And like right now, Pup’s upset because I grabbed my comp and my knitting (yes, I started knitting again, which is weird since the last time I knit anything I was like 6 or 7, but somehow I still remember how to do basic stitching *shrugs*), when he was having a smoke and not between me and my stuff, and bundled it all off to the bedroom. I received much huffing and puffing from her, which means she thinks I’m being immature, but I told her, I was afraid, so I don’t see how my doing my best to alleviate the situation warrants huffing and puffing. And I’m terrified that tomorrow my shrink is gonna side with her or give me some shit about facing your fears. Thank you Dr. Phil, I face my fears every fucking day; asking me to live in a house where I am trapped with not just one person who beats on me and gets away with it, but another who betrayed me AND attacked me is more than facing your fucking fears, it’s living in a nightmare.
--- ETA: I just got huffed at some more ‘cause she asked if I was eating dinner now or later.
I asked, why wouldn’t I,?
She said, because we’re eating all around the table.
I asked, who?
She huffed and closed the door without answering.
Sorry, I am not breaking bread with someone who is making my life a living hell. It’s one thing to eat with HS; she’s a kid, she’s a kid with Aspergher and ADHD, she’s a kid with Aspergher and ADHD who has already started going through puberty way before she should and way ahead of any of her friends/classmates her own age- I can understand her not being able to control her anger yet and having all those wonderful hormones on top of her dxs. I will never count that as an excuse, but I understand it makes it exponentially harder for her to control herself and her emotions; she’s still responsible for her actions, but she’s not as in control of them and I can understand and respect that.---
I haven’t written anything since the thing with HS, not saying it’s her fault, that would be silly, but struggling with the writing and then that to scramble my brain and the other thing to totally derail and crash whatever trains of thought I had about anything… How the hells can I think about writing when every second I spend looking over my shoulder and fighting back fear and tears and generally being uber broken?
Now in other news, I have watched more horror movies in the last month than I have in the last, oh pretty much since I’ve been here. These don't contain descriptions as it's hard enough for me to do that and there's just too many, lol.
Twixt- Huh? Wait, he...? No, it was…? Huh? How’d that happen????
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter- *sigh* What do you expect with a name like that?
Beneath the Darkness- bleh, not bad, not good… good for mind-numbing fun, or you know when you don’t wanna think about things like how far you can push the good ol’ suspension of disbelief
Scream of the Banshee- You know I can barely remember this, that’s how good (or bad) it was… the kind of thing you’d expect on the first reel of USA Up All Night *as if anyone actually remembers that, lol), high end B movie simple plot, predictable execution
Yellowbrickroad (yes, it's all one word)- Ugh, painful… I will go so far as to say this one SUCKED, it had potential then suddenly everyone went crazy with no explanation, not even a spooky ‘oooooohhhhhhh, eeeeevvvvvviiiiiiiilllllllll resides here’ feel to explain it.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (remake)- Muppet Freddy… that is all you need to know
Legion- I actually liked this one, of course it had Paul Bettany in it so it already had bonus points, lol, but it was fun, I enjoyed it
Daybreakers- technically I’m still in the middle of this one, but since I have been jonesing to see it since I first heard whispers of it back in ’07, and so far it has yet to disappoint, I have high hopes (besides Ethan Hawke with yellow/red glowy eyes and fangs is kinda to die for, lol)
Case 39- ahhhh, yeah, it’s not bad, good little creepy kid movie, I wouldn’t run out to see it or anything though. It’s definitely a wait until it rolls around on tv type and only then when there’s nothing better on
My Soul to Take- I’m torn. For mindless horror movie it was good. Exactly the right mix of plot, creepy, and fun- one of those you can put your brain on auto pilot for and still come out feeling like you had fun. Please note that fun does not necessarily mean good.
Basement- *gags* Okay, it starts off generic enough (not really a problem imo, not a soaring recommendation, but by no means a problem), keeps going in this generic fashion, then suddenly you’re at the end and it’s like NOW they decided to stick a plot in, of course with 5 minutes left in the movie there’s not exactly a lot of time to connect it up, and it fails miserably at doing so. It’s one of those things where the ending not only comes out of left field, but misses it’s mark, too. They tried to link it up to the beginning, but the middle just… well, there wasn’t enough plot exposition, I guess you’d call it, to explain or foreshadow in any way what happened.
Halloween II (Rob Zombie’s remake)- Arthur, I’m sorry to say, but I did not like this AT ALL. It was fine I’m sure, but it would have made a better stand-alone movie than something that was supposed to connect up with something else. It was unfulfilling and had a couple major plot discrepancies from the first one, and that’s the kind of thing that can ruin a film for me.
Trick ‘r Treat- surprisingly fun. I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. It was a lot of fun. Kind of Tales From the Crypt-y.
Dead Air- Fun, predictable, somewhat disappointing, it needed more umph, but you know not horrible. Very B movie quality. I wouldn’t go out of my way, but if it’s on in the middle of the night and you can’t sleep, sure, watch it.
The Burrowers- oh, gods, stay away! It almost had a plot, it almost executed said plot, then it threw a curve ball and went off in another direction then ended disappointingly.
Prom Night (remake)- I cannot express how much fun this was. It was old school. And it had the guy who plays Luther in, which really threw me for the first little while ‘cause he was speaking American English and I kept staring trying to decide if it was him or not, lol. Oh, this has nothing to do with the plot of the original Prom Night or even Hello, Mary Lou: Prom Night II
Midnight Meat Train- hmm, how do you explain a B movie plot with an A(okay A-) list cast…
Cthulhu- Ouch, ouch, ouch… umm, yeah… skip it, even if you’re a fan of Lovecraft, pls skip it. You know those movies that make you groan? This was a groaner, all the way through a complete groaner… if you’re gonna watch it do it with a friend so you can heckle it a la MST3K it’s that level of crappy.
Halloween (Rob Zombie’s remake)- despite what I said about its sequel, this one was really good. It held enough of the original to make you feel all Michael Myers-y, but with the right amount (and logical) differences/insights so you didn’t feel like you were just watching the same thing all over again.
Venom- Ah, this one Arthur suggested when I was feeling lost in a sea of awful horror movies. It was just what she promised- classic, bordering on cheesy because it was classic, horror. Creepy occult monster, requisite stereotypical body count, you know, typical classic horror movie formula.
