Veteran of the Psychic Wars

Joining and more to the point getting e-mail alerts for new entries on bigbangindex was the WORST and BEST thing I have done in ages.

I've just signed up for my 4th... and am looking longingly at a 5th. Somebody save me!

Alrighty, I think I promised you lot a more positive post over last weekend and ya didn’t get it (not that any of you are actually chomping at the bit for my odd posts anyway, lol), so here’s a bit of everything. :)

Arthur and I joined the summerpornathon and I am failing in a spectacular fashion, lol. Yeah, yeah, I know, I have no self-esteem and am being too hard on myself, yadayadayada. Don’t worry Arthur is giving me the requisite talks and prods. And I haven’t runoff, so that’s something. (carefully omits this it’s only the second week into the challenge and plenty of time left for Mys to freak out and run) Of course, we kinda feel like odd men, erm, women out, so there’s a bit of solidarity involved, too.

The lovely tooth they started the root canal on got infected, got an emergency appt and antibiotics, but my new doc was going on vacation and couldn’t see me until late August, and because of stupid, stupid rules none of the other docs could see me as anything but a same day emergency appt. *head desk* But like I said I got antibiotics and thankfully my doc got a cancellation and the doc that saw me threw such a stink that she pretty much HAD to call and offer it to me. Now, if I could just stop having a reaction to the antibiotics, lol. In related dental news, I was eating an Oreo and the tooth directly above the infected one broke off, right at the gum line and just shy of straight through the middle. I’m hoping she’ll fix both of them Wednesday… otherwise I may have to hurt someone.

Apparently my brain has decided it wants to revert to the mid 90’s. I dl’d yet another of the series I used to watch, though this one much less, but that was a timing thing. I also named HRH’s guppies… yes, yes, I did. And I am leaving it at that.

Writing! There is writing being done. :D I figured out how to get around the damn tentacles on my bingo card! It’s h/c so it doesn’t have to be sexual, doesn’t even have to be shippy, but come on… anyway, tentacles, non-sexual tentacles… CTHULHU!!!!!!!! And I already have Wings Over Innsmouth out there, I could do a sequel to that, I even have a cheese worthy title- Shadows Over Sioux Falls. *makes happy Drusilla-esque noises*
And the big One, it’s definitely on. Got a couple thou already written and I haven’t even gotten past the first part. I’m seriously thinking about looking to see if there’s a Big Bang out there for this, I mean I seldom have ideas that I know are gonna be big ones, so I might oughta try to take advantage. Actually, I think I will do that… if you’ll excuse me. *scurries off*

*runs back in* I’ll try to update more, might actually manage it with the pornathon going. :D
Laters *goes in search of big bang comms*

So, I've been on a movie watching kick the last few days (figured I needed a break from all the angsty/heavy drama stuff I've been watching) and since I've been pretty much ignoring everyone (nothing personal just were the brain is), I thought maybe I'd share y unsolicited and most like unpopular opinions. :P

I was looking for suspense/horror...
this is what I got... (pls forgive my short not-so-good summaries, I have a hard enough time writing my fic summaries, so...)

( Oh, the horror!!! (or not) )

The dental nightmare is being nightmarish. The stitches came out last Thursday and promptly on Friday I started having horrible, horrible pain in one of the teeth next to the pins. It felt like someone had gripped the tooth in a pair of pliers and was twisting it... I'm having to take as much or more painkillers than after the surgery to make it stop hurting. And yes, I went back for an emergency appt on Monday and they don't know what's wrong. There may be the beginnings of an infection, but it wasn't big enough on the x-ray to be sure, the tooth that's hurting had a cap put on it a couple months ago and it was/is a lot bigger than the original tooth ever was and they said I was biting on it too hard... it's actively loose. :( Anyway, they filed it down so hopefully I won't bite so hard and want me to follow up with my regular dentist, unfortunately his next available appt isn't until early November, but they did tell me not to hesitate to call if the pain keeps up. Yay-rah! :/

HRH and I are going at it most of the time these days. She's constantly whining about not getting to watch telly every single time she wants, and complaining about me watching my baseball and forensic shows. *sighs* I really do not understand. Pup got ESPN America for the sole purpose of allowing me to watch my baseball- I say she got it because I hadn't so much as asked for it, but she'd seen how much I was watching it when we first moved in and they hadn't set up all the cable blocks for the channels we weren't supposed to get- yet I'm not allowed to actually watch it. And all of them are all like "didn't you watch this game yesterday/the other day" and don't seem to understand the concept of 'series'. *head desk* Anyway, now that it's the post-season I'm being much bitchier about it, which is not going over well at all. So many fights... Top it off with HRH's continued refusal to help out around the house- and she's constantly blaming it on things like not having this or that fancy cleaner or not being able to watch telly or, and this is my favourite, not being up to it because she's been out with her friends all day/night... this does not make me empathize with her. *sighs*

I'm still getting better at this attacking business in Utopia. :D I actually came out really well from our last war. Hehe. And sensei introduced me to plunder attacks >:) it's like thief ops with your army, lol. I like stealing other ppls things. Yes, I am evil, but it's soooooooo much fun.

I haven't written anything in ages. I was just taking a break... and now I have all these half formed ideas niggling at me and the merlin_holidays exchange to do, but nothing wants to actually start. :/ But once I get the teeth pain under control I plan to try to actually focus on that.

Oh, yes... I got a call today from the ppl doing my Aspie eval, and they asked if they could bump me over to Stockholm, since it will be a lot quicker, like before the end of the year type quicker. :D Still haven't heard about the therapist, and still not doing good on the whole... too close to the edge among other things. About lost it when some pushy bint started tapping my arm- not my shoulder, my arm... there... at least I didn't round on her, but still spent most of the day uber on edge. *sigh* I really am not doing good, well, not as good as I was, still, hella better than it used to be.

In a random sports note- the Cards made the post-season!!! Of course, so did the Nats, the O's, and the Braves, if only in a fight for the wildcard spot. I'm routing for the Cards as you might expect... it kinda sucks that the three teams I like in the NL are all up against each other in the first wave of post-season games, lol. Although, at least I'll know early on who I've got to choose between. :)

ETA- Well, that was fun. I stuck to my guns and told HRH I wasn't feeding her since she wasn't helping out- it's been over two weeks since I made the declaration. This led to a huge blow up with much yelling and calling me names and did I mention the yelling? Screeching would be more accurate. Anyway... she finally did some of her dishes- slamming and clashing and leaving stuff in the sink rather than putting it up; I'm surprised she managed to do it without breaking anything. Pup even went off about the mess in the living room and how she just spreads her shit all over the place... *sighs* I hold no illusions that this will be the end of things, more likely the beginning, but at least she knows I mean what I say now.

And now that I am nicely stressed out by that screaming fit HRH just had, I think I am going to curl up with my sore tooth and my warm cuddly cardigan and watch some bad movies until the Cards-Nats game comes on.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it, or we did it. Battle Hymns is up and I am now squeezing ppls hands and hiding behind them. (yes, Mia, this means you... and Arthur, and I promise I won't cut off the circulation this time)
So yeah, if ppl are interested...
Title: Battle Hymns- on LJ; on DW; on AO3 (coming soon)
Author: heavenlyxbodies
Pairing: John/Sherlock (mostly pre-slash)
Rating: R (for disturbing imagery)
Spoilers: general S2
Feedback: Makes me happy, just play nice
Disclaimer(s) can be found here
Beta: phnx_reader, any remaining mistakes are mine, and probably me ignore her advice.
Warnings/Squicks (nota bene- some of these warnings are for things only mentioned in passing, but as the entire work may contain triggers I wanted to try to cover everything): may contain triggers, disturbing imagery, torture, PTSD, flashbacks, mentions/description of death of non-canon characters
Summary: Sherlock returns, whole, but battered and not just on the outside. There are things he's done, things he's discovered that he can't tell John. But the signs are there and it's only a matter of time before those secrets come out. Deals with Sherlock and what happened in those three years and how he copes with it now (mainly the latter), and how John copes with him.
Written for johnlockbigbang 2012 with absolutely awesome and incredible art by tinnny, go see for yourself, it's truly amazing art!


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Good news-

It looks like they finally fixed my SSD! Yay, I'm crazy again!!!! Seriously, all it took was sending the paperwork in three times to two different offices, getting ignored by my caseworker and have her refuse to arrange to talk to me (or to my mom who has my POA for just such occasions *head desk*) and tell me I need to talk to another office, but not give me the contact info, and a nasty note sent in with the last set of paperwork saying just that... but I still haven't received any notification, just a magically appearing deposit in my bank account from Soc Sec. *sighs* One day I will figure it out, but not today; today I am just accepting something good happening and not looking at it too closely.
On a related note, Mys went shopping! And yes, this is Mys' idea of a shopping spree. I bought a new backpack, I've had my other one for 8 or 9 years and it was secondhand when I got it, lol. I bought new shoelaces from the place that has the shoelaces that I don't kill within a month, and insoles for my boots. A new writing pad, the other one only had about 5 blank pages left and considering it's gotten me through 3 big bang fics over the course of two years and a handful of other smaller fics I needed to take notes on, I didn't feel too guilty about it. I also bought a pen! I finally found a fine point blue Pilot, not the kind I wanted, but considering how hard it is to find a fine point pen of any kind around here, I'll take it, lol. Oh, and socks! I was down to my last two pair from the ones I got winter before last. We're planning to go up to Stockholm this week and I thoroughly plan to buy books at the Sci-Fi Bookstore, now whether or not I actually find anything I haven't read or have is another matter entirely, lol. And there is an outside chance I may see about getting new boots, the ones I have I got two years ago and after two Swedish winters they're showing their age, and some new jeans, I'm down to one pair and they're, uhh, whatdya call the ones that only come to your calf? Whatever, it's a pair of those that I've had to patch up twice already, of course, I've had them since before I moved here, so they're doing pretty good for being about 6 or 7 years old, lol. See, I'm really good at this spending spree thing, *tongue firmly planted in cheek* lol. It's the one cliché thing about BP I don't really suffer from; don't get me wrong, I can go on a binge just like anyone else, but that's the thing it's like anyone else, not like someone in the throes of a mania, or maybe it is... it's the one of the only times I'll actually say I want something, of course, most ppl just take that as me getting past my other dx's... so few docs understand the difference, but that's another tale.

I've gotten previews of some of the art for Battle Hymns!!!! It's brilliant! *hugs art* And she's trying to do something from the scene(s) Mia and I asked for (nearly impossible in my opinion, so I'm just soaring on the fact that she's trying to do it :D ).

Not so good news-

My blood sugar is all over the place, so the doc is running all sorts of tests, which is good I guess, at least this guy's taking me seriously. I'll know more Monday. *crosses fingers*

I hate my shrink. I've calmed down about the therapy thing, Pup keeps telling me I over-reacted and that he really does want to get me a therapist- nothing I heard said that, but I was already freaking out so I'm trying to at least tell myself I believe her. *sigh* I'm managing to get a 'list' thing together for him- slowly- I just don't see how to make these things "measurable", but I'm trying.

Oh, and I finally started watching S7... only four eps in... and not exactly a happy camper, but I have yet to attack the tv, so it's a start- I'm making Fanboy sit through it with me, which helps, gives me someone to rant at, lol.

Bad news-

I'm 99% sure I'm dropping out of the JLBB, well, the blog!fic one... it's just killing me. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere I go over it and realize it's either utter garbage or taking the story in a direction I don't want to go... I swear I've deleted enough for at least three 10k+ fics. And now I'm trying something a bit different that involves writing blog entries for John, so I went and read over all the entries on the BBC page... my gods, they are AWFUL! I mean seriously, if I was reading that, guh... if it were a fic I would actually stop reading and put the author on my mental 'Do Not Read' list. And do you have any idea how hard it is to mimic that kind of awful writing?!?!?!?! *rocks head in hands* Kill me now, pls...

I have two other birthday fics I'm supposed to be writing and that one *points angrily upwards* is totally fic-blocking me. Grrrr.
Brianna, one of those is yours, and I will get it done if I have to stab the blog!fic through the heart with a nice sharp stake to keep it pinned down and out of my way!

Back to the shrink. He was getting on me about not getting out and walking and stuff like that. Which, I know, walking and exercise are supposed to help with endorphins or whatever it's supposed to release, so to humour him and Pup I've been walking to the store and taking the bus home (I always walk to and from the close store, this is the big one), and walking downtown and back (when I'm coming back and not going to the store)... it's only making me feel worse. I told Pup I was being good and walking places, she was all upset because I wasn't telling her how much better I felt... I told her the truth- I feel worse; drained and stressed out and not so much tired as just uber lethargic with no energy or interest in doing anything. She just glared at me and went back to her writing. *sigh* It's not my fault the 'magic' cure (or aid rather) isn't working and it's not my fault that it's just exacerbating the down I'm already on... Now, I just wonder if the doc'll believe me. :/


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It's disturbing to be listening to "Home for Christmas" (not to be confused with "I'll be Home for Christmas") and realize the "home" you want to be at for Christmas isn't the "home" you're at. And it's not exactly like I can tell Pup that, she'd freak and read all sorts of stuff into it. It's just that the Christmas here... isn't. :/

*bounces* I made cheesy graphics for the merlin_games Christmas thing, they’re here if anyone’s interested. My person wanted the boys and/or knights with Christmas stuff photoshop’ed in. I figured even my meagre skills could manage that. Best part she actually likedl them! *squeaks*

So, I spent most of yesterday listening to Cabin Pressure (‘cause, yes, apparently I have become that much of a git, lol) and for some reason S01E06 had me rolling, literally! Okay, so maybe not literally but I was doubled over in the beating snow getting strange looks from all the other idiots out in the mush of weather. :P Anyway I decided it would be a crime against the laws of nature not to make a sound byte of them singing, so I did. :P~

In other news, I did sing up for that Five Things Bang, *face palm* but just the 5-10k option, so it shouldn't be too much of a headache. And well, I don't write Five Times/Things fic so I thought it might be a change. I just wish the idea I have would LEAVE… I Do Not Want It!!!! ‘m hoping that by the time I actually start it I’ll have another much saner idea, which, seriously, a saner idea wouldn’t be that hard to come up with, hells, I have half of one already sitting on my laptop waiting for me to either finish it or throw it to the wolves. Just want this other idea to get its teeth and claws outta my skin. *grrrrrrr*


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*squeaks* ‘m going to a con tomorrow! …or later today, whatever, lol.
Nah, Pup’s sitting at the comp when she says, outta nowhere, ‘there’s a science fiction convention this weekend’ Fanboy and I automatically perk up. ‘Yeah, wha… Shanks is gonna be there and some others’ Of course she barely gets the ‘Shanks’ out before Fanboy and I are sitting straight up and racing for Cas to look up this con, lol.
Turns out Pup had already looked it up… *shakes head* silly woman. Then she gets all uppity ‘cause Fanboy half teasing says he knows what he and I are doing tomorrow. Anyway, next thing I know Pup’s on the phone arranging to change her shift tomorrow and suddenly me, Fanboy, HRH, MM, and Pup are all going to this con. ‘m a bit worried since ‘m not at all sure it’s gonna be what Pup expects and ‘ve never been to this kind of con, so… but still ‘m hoping for good things. (of all the times for my meds to be… and my head, yeah, but still, con and Pup and Fanboy I should feel pretty safe, yeah *keeps repeating until she believes it*)

I’m horrible, ‘ve got less than a day to write a fic and I just don’t know if I can do it… it’s so fucking hard to think around here with all the trash HRH insists on watching and the noise and not being allowed to go hide in the kitchen and just write and block the rest of the world out. (Btb, MM called Pup on that the other day when HRH and Fanboy came back, it felt good to have someone ‘not on my side’ bring it up.)

Yesterday, I realized I had another exchange that I’d been so sick I’d missed the announcements for- thank the gods I was able to beg an extension.

‘ve decided to start leaving stray bunnies here on my journal- don’t worry they’ll be locked so you won’t be tortured with them just probably the whole meds thing making me babble more than usual.

Yeah, and my bloody SSDI review has come up. *is scared* I mean, I knew it was coming; was actually expecting it last year, still doesn’t make it any better, esp considering that whole not in the US thing and it’s not helping my psyche (such as it is) the whole shit with my shrink here and not having so much as spoken with the new one, :( DNW. *sighs*

Right now all I want is to curl up with some nice telly and some hot cocoa and let the world wash away… not happening, though. Mainly because I don’t have any nice telly (that I can get away with watching with Pup home) or enough hot cocoa to sneak off with.


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Okay, so I worked a wee bit on the Merlin_Muses #2 sequel, but only because the entire opening scene sprouted unbidden in my head, lol. I have since packed it away, nice and safe, and started or restarted working on my SPN beading project, but then today I had the most brilliant realization. There’s no fic or anything weighing over me, and I have a nice possibly less than legal copy of DII… I brushed my Paladin off and spent the day smashing the crap outta beasties and baddies and jacking up my Thorns even higher, you wanna whump on me you WILL get wumped back- almost 800% now. *bounces*
We also got our new sofa set today and HRH and I spent the afternoon putting it together, out-thinking the buggered bits, literally. AND they’re coming to paint the kitchen, finally, tomorrow. And because of all that Pup’s having a nervous breakdown, leaving me the one with the dx’s to try to hold it together… Mys is kinda on auto-pilot, guh.

It is OFFICIAL, I FINISHED IT!!! Read over, edited and tweaked, and I think it’s ready for the beta… unfortunately my normal beta’s life is being insane so she can’t do it. :( I would just go begging for an replacement beta, but I really want Arthur to read over it before I let someone else have a go at it. She’s not a beta or anything, but she’s always able to find the wholes and help me patch them up. But Arthur’s life is even more buggered, ‘ve barely talked to her in weeks. *whimpers* I’m worried about her.

Anyway, it’s DONE, and ‘m attempting to step away from the writing before I start feeling like ‘m forcing it. I plan to spend the near future killing things in DII, working on the tat, and watching the rest of S6 of SPN- it got here last week(!!!), so no more excuses for not watching it. *sighs* Just somebody make sure there’s some chocolate and maybe some ice cream… have I mentioned how much I really HATE that they’re buggering up my two fav shows six ways to Sunday? I just want my Cas not being psycho, and Gwen being cool and not fawning over Arthur, and Merlin smiling again… I’m not that difficult. *pouts*
*considers wandering off in search of fic that makes everything better, unfortunately, I’m afraid my search will be in vain :(*

I hate this. I've been working on the pauldron!fic and making headway even. And, well, since it was supposed to be for the Merlin BB I kinda want to complete it as such, though depending on what happens in the near future with the fic and with Arthur I may have to forego or get the art later, but that part is beside the point. The point is that 'm at 23k and only have two (I think) scenes left and both of those are partially done, so I really don't see how this is gonna hit the 30k mark. What I'm trying to decide is whether or not to fight it? I mean, I'm think this is gonna bottom out around 25-26k (which I think still qualifies as the longest thing 've ever written, my DCBB was 24k), which is kinda far from 30k, I mean, I usually write around 1-2k for a normal fic- yes I know Arthur and Merlin seem to be stretching that for me, but still. And I really don't think I could eke out another 5k for this. If it hits closer to 28k then yeah I might struggle for those last few words, but 25k...

So what 'm asking is should I let this end where it ends or should I keep pushing to hit 30k?


And on completely separate note if anyone involved is wondering, yes, I plan to get my ass back over to the merlin_land challenges before they die, it's just the pauldron!fic has come back to life after months of silence and I kinda wanna let the muses talk while their talking, and quite frankly I'm not sure I have enough words for both the pauldron!fic and the Discussion, but I will make an appearance, I promise.

A) Arthur and Dean snarking in my head sounds way too much like Arthur and Gwaine snarking... I am scared. I have also decided that Gwaine and Dean need to get sloshed together and start a brawl, whether or not this will happen is uncertain, but it needs to happen.
B) I have gotten tired of waiting and am currently DLing not one, but three, yes, 3- one, two , three- copies of Island... I am not feeling the least bit guilty 'cause it was supposed to be here yesterday at the latest, not that I would feel all that guilty otherwise, but just saying.
C) If anyone reads the fic I'm currently working on for one of the challenges/exchanges/things I have going and decides to stalk me, I may have written down my address for them... thankfully it's an address I no longer live at :P
D) Cas keeps getting unplugged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grrrrrrr*
E) I have a letter from my doc, a printed page from one of the fics 'm working on, a receipt, one 2.5x4 inch scrap of paper, and one 7x5 inch scrap of paper all shoved into my notebook and covered in parts of no less than four different fics incl two complete fics and four scenes from one fic... none of this was actually written on the actual paper in the notebook... why do I even bother with the notebook?
F) Colin is evil
G) I have no idea why I decided to list these things... but I am returning to one of these fics now.


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