Veteran of the Psychic Wars

Well,I was planning on doing a nice dumping post in the next few days, but this little tidbit could not be contained...

IT'S FUCKING OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dances madly*

That was one of the most horrible and excruciating things I have ever suffered through. I mean, seriously awful. We're talking driving you out of fandom awful. I have a WIP I plan to finish, a colab with Arthur for a comm, and I plan to finish out the Silence!verse, but that's it, no more. At least, that's the plan.
Now, don't get me wrong my Merlin muses haven't been truly inspired lately, so I was thinking of putting it on the back burner as it were. But this horrible experience just killed what I had left. If that is the state of the fandom these days then I don't want to be part of it. Note, I am talking about the ppl, not the fic. I mean, 99% of it wasn't anything I would normally read, but you write or do art and have the guts to put it out there I'm not gonna call you to the carpet unless you specifically ask my opinion (though honestly overall if that was an accurate set of exemplars for the fandom then I grieve for it), but no, it was the ppl, the experience. Yeah, the challenges were crap and mundane and nothing really inspiring, but... the ppl... UGH! Rude, clique-ish, and unwelcoming. And sometimes just plain spiteful. I don't wanna be active in a fandom like that. I prefer my fandoms to be supportive and friendly.

And I'm sorry to any of you (ie Cheeky) who might be reading this who actually tried- thank you.

And Mr. neuroticnick, not like I expect you to see this, but I have held my tongue for 2 weeks and now it must be said, you are a total douche! Seriously, fine if a fic doesn't float your boat, tickle your fancy, or in any other way 'do it' for you, but you don't, you just don't go out of your way to diss it in the fucking results post!!!!! That's just wrong... and cruel. And in response from #6, I'm sorry if writing fic that was more complicated than a "Dick and Jane" book is above your comprehension levels. I would suggest enrolling in some adult education classes, perhaps.

Okay, I feel better now. Now off to find some nice violence and homicide!

Pup and I went to the couples counseling the other day… it went okay, mostly background stuff, so hard to tell how it’s gonna go, but it had all good signs, so we’ll see.
I also got the results from the psych eval… and yes, I have yet another dx I am now known as Princess BiPolar, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Banana Fanna Asperger the Third, but you can call me Dot. (I know bad joke, but it’s always what I think of when I start rattling off my dx’s, and even there I couldn’t fit in the social and agoraphobia, lol). So yeah, lots of fun there.

I also did something I just don’t do, no matter how badly the muses and life are behaving- I dropped out of not just one, but both of my Christmas exchanges, incl deancas_xmas, which I’ve completed every year it’s been around, even the two years they gave me squick city prompts/likes/dislikes. Seriously have you ppl seen how many times I use the words “happy endings” and “I don’t write fallen/human!Cas”… I repeat the later a minimum of 5 times in my ‘dislikes’ and ‘what I won’t write’ sections, each, you would think they’d take the hint, lol. Anyway, I’m trying (and failing) not to get uber depressed about that. Doesn’t help that I’ve barely written more than a sentence or two in something like five or six months. :/
It also doesn’t help that I started to get a bunch of favourites on some of my old Dean/Cas fic (usually happens when the season starts and during hellatus) and I wound up going back over some of them and came to the very depressing conclusion that they sucked; which is extra depressing ‘cause I really enjoy(ed) writing Dean/Cas and those fics… right now I have the urge to delete them all from existence.
*sighs* Sometimes, esp lately, I think maybe I should just give up fandom altogether; I mean, seriously thinking about it, not just those bouts of self-doubt that I think all writers (and everyone else) go through from time to time (we just seem to do it more often, lol).
On the upside someone fav’d a story of mine on WWOMB that I couldn’t remember, so I went to look and I actually liked it. On the downside, it was a fic written for a friend, who isn’t a friend anymore, almost an enemy you could say, I usually settle for backstabbing bitch, though, in a matter of a couple hours, in a fandom I don’t write in, for a pairing that I have major misgivings about. *sighs* And the damn thing was actually pretty good. :/
I still feel like deleting everything or at least denying the existence of it all, remove any trace of my existence, change my penname to anon or something and erase all my details and put my fic comm on lockdown.

All the movie reminiscing lead to my deciding to follow a whim and see if I could actually find all 4 seasons of PtL. I’ve tried on occasion with little to no luck… but this time… this time I found all 4. :D By the time I actually post this they will be in my grubby little hands and the Clan may not see me for many, many days… or at least they wouldn’t if I had my way, lol.
NB- Since I started rewatching Legacy, I am having the subtle strings of an urge to find SPN/PtL crossovers, even though I sincerely doubt that any exist… and before you start suggesting it, no, I do not feel the urge/motivation/inspiration or otherwise to rectify this grievous oversight. Btb, if anyone knows of any said crossovers, even gen… maybe even het if it’s Derek/Rachel, I can stomach Derek/Rachel… let me know, PPPPPPLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS.

Right now, I’m supposed to be fixing this blasted dress for HRH. I don’t mind really. I just hate it when she asks me to take something up and it winds up with me doing things like add sleeves. I hate sleeves. Sleeves are the spawn of the devil. Esp putting sleeves on a dress not meant to have sleeves without the arm of the person said sleeve is supposed to go on, after having had to do rather large adjustments of both the breastline and the shoulders. *sighs* But I’ll get it done. I found an old pattern with a basic sleeve that I’m altering to hopefully fit the bill. Yay-rah.
Oh, and Fanboy thinks I’m talking to him again. I fed him the other day and now he thinks we’re back on speaking terms ‘cause I said like three words to him ("take," "here," and "yes" I believe). Thing is about a week ago I thought I might actually be there, but then I started having nightmares again. So far no nightmares, and I’ve stopped tensing so hard I hurt every time he comes in the room. To his credit he’s not pushing, just being rather obvious with the talking. We’ll see.

You guys know how I admit to liking weird music, and not necessarily weird in its nature, but weird in the hide-it-under-the-bed-in-an-old-shoebox-so-nobody-knows-you-actually-like-that way. I try very hard to let my guard slip here, since I can’t hear the ridicule or see the horrified condescending looks (did I mention they said I had marked levels of paranoia during the eval?). Anyway, every now and then I actually get in a Christmasy mood, music-wise, and I’ve been slowly, moreso the last couple years, but still pretty slowly working on gathering a collection of Christmas music- and really trying to locate songs that you never knew who they were by or rarely heard when they weren’t being sung by your family is a pain in the ass. But anyway, some of the stuff is just, you know, standard generic holiday, snow frolicking, well-wishing, blah, blah, blah stuff and some of it’s more uh, religious, for lack of a better word; not because I’m religious in that sense, hello, pagan, but it’s just the stuff you grew up with and just because something is ‘religious’ in nature doesn’t mean it’s not pretty or enjoyable. Well, like I said I’ve been working on getting a collection together and have finally managed a small selection of stuff I grew up with, and a lot of it I’ve even managed to identify the artist involved- I am unabashedly proud of this accomplishment, lol. And well, the other day I was cooking, baking actually, and was playing my music… it took all of about five minutes before Pup was ragging on me about it being all “hallelujah this and hallelujah that”- not my fault she doesn’t like Handel. Yeah, well, she’s not letting me live it down either… ‘s hard enough to get me to admit what stuff I like, esp when it’s something I feel self-conscious about, I really don’t need her of all ppl making me feel like shit for it. *sighs*

( Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count Rugen. )

Next load of laundry should be done and I'm getting somewhere around giddy o'clock, so I'll shut up now. :P

UGH! 'm trying to work on a Merlin fic and my Arthur muse keeps starting to sound like Benedict Cumberbatch reading those damned Ngaio Marsh books *head desk*
The man is like a bloody worm in my brain! And this is why I avoid hearing Colin talk as much as possible, I start hearing him in my head instead of Merlin, but at least that I understand!

*wanders off to beat head against wall*


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So I have this "minor" dental surgery thing tomorrow- they're removing a pocket of infection or something and then chopping off part of the root so they can block it off or somesuch- and I usually take Col with me for distraction purposes... so I come up with the ingenious idea that I just HAVE to put Reichenbach on him... someone explain the logic of that to me, pls?
Anyway, so yeah evil dentist tomorrow. :( I could use some hand-holding, lol. Not that Mys has a fear of dentists or anything (yes, there's a story there, no I won't bother you with it- see I can be totally awesome sometimes :P~), lol. Truth be told this guy's pretty good, he does those important things like tell me what he's doing/going to do before he does it and stops when I ask him to, both of these carry ridiculously high marks. *nods*

I finished sorting out the hodge-podge of notes I had for the blog!fic (and really I need a better name to refer to it as), seven pages in my minuscule henscratch of character psychology and vague plot points/history, that doesn't include the thousand or so words/dialogue I had scratched out. Still, now I just have to convince myself to actually put it together with words and all, well, that and come up with short/basic history for some minor yet pivotal characters... why do I do this to myself? I can't start slow with a couple codas or something nice and simple and schmangsty like I normally would and, no, you don't get to throw Merlin in my face, no, I have ideas. *head desk* And no I don't know if 'm head desking because of the ideas or because I have succumb to the call.

And because I need to say it before I scream, I rrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy HATE my reverseBB... I've tried taking Arthur's advice and saying bugger it and write what I want to write, but I go to type and start second and third and fourth and fifth and you get the idea guessing myself. *sighs* It's not even like I can get Arthur or anybody to look over it, it's all still in my head. Thing is I know exactly where I want it to go and exactly what happened and most of the more general inbetween stuff, I don't think it'll be my best work because it's rather outside my comfort zone, but I think it could be good, maybe even really good, but that all hinges on convincing the words that neither my artist, nor the rest of the world are going to flame me to a fried and darkened pile of ash for it.

And then there's Silence... no real progress on that front, but 've been a bit pre-occupied. 'm still thinking about doing it in small fics instead of one large one, sometimes I just think too much time passes and there's no good, non-mind-numbing way to get that across. *sighs*

I folded and wrote down that scene (or two) that wouldn't get outta my head night before last... it actually made me feel better, lol. I think, until something better comes along, *hint hint* it's going to be my personal fanon (even in all its slashy goodness, lol- but in fairness it wasn't a big kiss just a powerful one, yeah carefully omits the one after that).

Can we tell Mys is avoiding thinking about her dentist appt? But seriously, I'm going to have the scary, scary, scary tooth hacker cut into me and play with my roots and nerve endings and the first thing I think is 'oooh, let's make sure we have Reichenbach to watch/listen to' *head desk* I couldn't be satisfied with TGG on there... or my DCFC which always works miracles on zoning off when they're drilling or the goth/industrial I recently flooded the thing with which would drown out anything they were doing if it was loud enough.

Oh! The Masters started, so far my boys are doing good, just first round and, well, most of them are my boys, but four of my top five are still in and tomorrow I get both O'Sullivan and Roberston matches. *bounces* 've already told the childer that esp when my painkillers wear off anyone who gets between me and my games tomorrow will suffer a very loud and violent death... if they are lucky.

And in a random 'ohh, lookit SPN's on' S3 definitely had the best opening sequence. :) OHHHHHHHHH, it's "Long Distance Call"!!!!!!! Bow at the feet of Rami, lol. :D

Okay, I will stop being random and actually post this... besides, SPN's on! :P~


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It's disturbing to be listening to "Home for Christmas" (not to be confused with "I'll be Home for Christmas") and realize the "home" you want to be at for Christmas isn't the "home" you're at. And it's not exactly like I can tell Pup that, she'd freak and read all sorts of stuff into it. It's just that the Christmas here... isn't. :/

*bounces* I made cheesy graphics for the merlin_games Christmas thing, they’re here if anyone’s interested. My person wanted the boys and/or knights with Christmas stuff photoshop’ed in. I figured even my meagre skills could manage that. Best part she actually likedl them! *squeaks*

So, I spent most of yesterday listening to Cabin Pressure (‘cause, yes, apparently I have become that much of a git, lol) and for some reason S01E06 had me rolling, literally! Okay, so maybe not literally but I was doubled over in the beating snow getting strange looks from all the other idiots out in the mush of weather. :P Anyway I decided it would be a crime against the laws of nature not to make a sound byte of them singing, so I did. :P~

In other news, I did sing up for that Five Things Bang, *face palm* but just the 5-10k option, so it shouldn't be too much of a headache. And well, I don't write Five Times/Things fic so I thought it might be a change. I just wish the idea I have would LEAVE… I Do Not Want It!!!! ‘m hoping that by the time I actually start it I’ll have another much saner idea, which, seriously, a saner idea wouldn’t be that hard to come up with, hells, I have half of one already sitting on my laptop waiting for me to either finish it or throw it to the wolves. Just want this other idea to get its teeth and claws outta my skin. *grrrrrrr*


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*squeaks* ‘m going to a con tomorrow! …or later today, whatever, lol.
Nah, Pup’s sitting at the comp when she says, outta nowhere, ‘there’s a science fiction convention this weekend’ Fanboy and I automatically perk up. ‘Yeah, wha… Shanks is gonna be there and some others’ Of course she barely gets the ‘Shanks’ out before Fanboy and I are sitting straight up and racing for Cas to look up this con, lol.
Turns out Pup had already looked it up… *shakes head* silly woman. Then she gets all uppity ‘cause Fanboy half teasing says he knows what he and I are doing tomorrow. Anyway, next thing I know Pup’s on the phone arranging to change her shift tomorrow and suddenly me, Fanboy, HRH, MM, and Pup are all going to this con. ‘m a bit worried since ‘m not at all sure it’s gonna be what Pup expects and ‘ve never been to this kind of con, so… but still ‘m hoping for good things. (of all the times for my meds to be… and my head, yeah, but still, con and Pup and Fanboy I should feel pretty safe, yeah *keeps repeating until she believes it*)

I’m horrible, ‘ve got less than a day to write a fic and I just don’t know if I can do it… it’s so fucking hard to think around here with all the trash HRH insists on watching and the noise and not being allowed to go hide in the kitchen and just write and block the rest of the world out. (Btb, MM called Pup on that the other day when HRH and Fanboy came back, it felt good to have someone ‘not on my side’ bring it up.)

Yesterday, I realized I had another exchange that I’d been so sick I’d missed the announcements for- thank the gods I was able to beg an extension.

‘ve decided to start leaving stray bunnies here on my journal- don’t worry they’ll be locked so you won’t be tortured with them just probably the whole meds thing making me babble more than usual.

Yeah, and my bloody SSDI review has come up. *is scared* I mean, I knew it was coming; was actually expecting it last year, still doesn’t make it any better, esp considering that whole not in the US thing and it’s not helping my psyche (such as it is) the whole shit with my shrink here and not having so much as spoken with the new one, :( DNW. *sighs*

Right now all I want is to curl up with some nice telly and some hot cocoa and let the world wash away… not happening, though. Mainly because I don’t have any nice telly (that I can get away with watching with Pup home) or enough hot cocoa to sneak off with.


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WAH!!!!! Just got back from the dentist... okay, not just got back, but just calmed down enough to think straight after the dentist, lol. I hate dentists (yes, there's a story there). I think they worked on 4 or 5 teeth; I still can't feel my right eyelid. *whimpers* I want h/c fic... yes, I know, I always want h/c fic, but right now I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY want it, esp anything that involves actual pain/comfort and not just emotional hurt (which is totally weird, since 'm usually the other way around). Maybe it's the anaesthesia, it's affecting my brain?
FYI- DCFC is great for dentists. :) Very relaxing... and good for focusing. A bit better than Clannad, only because I don't know all that much Gaelic (Irish or otherwise- am I git for knowing that?) so it's harder to focus on some things. Yes, I know you really needed to know that, lol.

I watched the last half of 1x02 this morning, and cooed about just how slashy that ep is, I mean, I don't technically ship them, but that was slashy on so many levels (oh maybe I should say it was Sherlock I was watching, I forget ppl aren't in my head, lol)... sometimes I wish I didn't look at the world through slash-coloured glasses, lol. It was a good way to spend the morning before having to go get drilled and not in the good way. *hangs head in shame* I made gifs... okay, like two maybe three (can't remember if I finished one of them, lol), but still, I made gifs.

I still haven't watch the latest Merlin, 'm bad, I keep sitting down to and getting distracted by Fanboy talking movies and stuff with me- 'm not used to having someone to talk that stuff with... and he totally gets it when I finish lines or songs he's saying. Why does he get that it's just being silly over knowing the same stuff, while Pup gets mad and tells me 'm trying to make her feel stupid? Sometimes I really don't understand ppl, esp females, guys make sense, they might be jackasses a lot of the time but I understand them. *head desk*
Anyway, I will watch it before Saturday... Pup's working and Fanboy has plans so I should be able to get it done come hells or high water! ( I don't think it's a spoiler at this point, but just in case someone has managed to live that deep in a cave 'll hide it )*nodnodnod*

Serious(ish) question:
Okay, anybody else doing the merlinreversebb having trouble contacting the mods?

'k bloody store is calling, must go so I can feed ppl and all that unimportant stuff (I mean really, if the muses are calling they really hate being interrupted... pesky things).


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*snickers* That's brilliant; I use my Christmas gift card to pre-order the mid-summer release of Island and now my birthday (June) gift card to pre-order Parked. I told ppl there was a reason I wasn't spending them, lol. Colin = ♥

I think ‘m developing a long coat fetish… ‘m sitting here rewatching Sherlock and am suddenly struck with the knowledge that I really wanna hump his coat. This is disturbing on several levels, not the least of which is the fact that ‘m severely allergic to wool… ‘elp.
Also that scarfy thing, does it remind anyone else of the scarf Reid went around wearing in S2, I think it was, of CM? I bet you lot thought I was gonna make some Merlin reference didn’t you, well, surprise! sometimes my brain does go other places than fathomless blue eyes and cheekbones you could carve wood with. Sometimes they stick with superior intellect and possible psychosis. :P~

I think I may be creating some cohesion within Silence… possibly, maybe… lol.

Oh, and Fanboy has finally convinced me to watch S7… we’ll see how that goes :/


I need a tag for this!I has tag now *points* :)


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FUCK YEAH!!!!!!
The Cards WON!!!!!!
Rally Squirrel FTW!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I know it's late, but I wanted to watch the game with Pup and she didn't get home till late and 've been avoiding the interwebs and ESPN like the plague alllllllllll day [I even missed recording Merlin (S3 for the Clan, and why they won't let me DL it with SweSubs is beyond me) 'cause I was watching DVDs to keep me from seeing the telly accidentally, lol].

And equally important, but with far fewer exclamation marks, is this ep gonna do a number on me? I worry about it. ...okay, so right now, I'm worrying about ALL of S4, but some eps more than others- tonight's ep would fall into the "more than others" portion of the program. So yes, do I need chocolate and tissues? *has grown extra paranoid after 4x03* And yes, yes, I know strange things get to me, but I have to ask somewhere and you guys are more likely to know what would get to me than anyone else I could ask. :p~


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