heavenlyxbodies: (Dead Again scissors2)
Have I mentioned how much I HATE the Swedish medical system?
I mean, I know it's supposedly way better than in the US and in some ways it is, but fuck at least in the States you can find docs that at least pretend to give a shit.

But here, no, it's all:

  • Oh, we think you may have AS. We'll refer you to the eval offices.

  • No, let's wait on a therapist until we get the eval.

  • P-doc transfers to ER Psychward

  • New p-doc is awesome!!!

  • 3 months later new p-doc no longer works there.

  • New p-doc the 2nd is a git, who still won't get me a therapist.

  • 3 yrs after the fact get eval.

  • Get new dx of AS!

  • Have to change p-docs 'cause he 'doesn't treat patients with AS'. *head desk*

  • Oh, and the new p-doc will set you up with a therapist now that we have the new dx.

  • 6 months later see new p-doc (p-doc m2).

  • No, we won't set you up with a therapist until you go over here to this other place I'm referring you to.

  • And by the way I'm going to refuse to see you for a minimum of 6 months and only give you enough meds for 2 months.

  • Get letter from referral place saying it will be 5 months or more before anyone can see me. *grinds teeth*

  • Call for meds to find out p-doc m2 has quit and not left anything about needing meds...

  • ...still won't give me more than 2 months worth.

  • Finally get appt with replacement p-doc m2 the 1st, 7 months after requested.

  • Get call this morning cancelling appointment to be rescheduled at an unknown time...

No, it's not like I NEED HELP. Or I'm ACTUALLY ASKING FOR IT, DAMN YOU!!!!!! Or that I've been BEGGING for 4 years- fucking BEGGING!!!
Nooooooooooooooooooooo, Mys isn't important enough to even keep an appointment she's been waiting 7 months for; an appointment she asked to have 4 months ago and was told she couldn't. Now? Fuck knows!
And the mysterious other place the p-doc m2 referred me to? Haven't heard fuck all from them.

Mys, pissy? Moi? Never... wanting to rip people apart limb from limb after slowly flaying their skin from their bones... now that, that sounds more like me.

It's fucking depressing to think that I'd be getting better mental health care while on Soc Sec Disability in the States than I am here.
heavenlyxbodies: (fandom)
So, yes, as horrifying a concept as it may be, Mys is still alive and kicking, slightly more with the kicking than before, if truth be told.

Kitchen sink, you say? Yes, I happen to have one right here. )

Anywho, I have fic to read, shows to watch, fic to WRITE (lookit, I can say that without wanting to cry or rip my hair out, much, lol), and the Great Fandom Repost to work on, so I am shutting up now and going to poke this TS fic with a stick and make sure an anthropologist falls out from under it and not a cop then maybe finish up the little drabble I’m working on for Arthur
heavenlyxbodies: (Default)
First off, *hugs* and Merry Christmas and/or other seasonal holiday of your choosing (with extra cocoa and marsh mellows for Silky, Mia, and Arthur)!

Second- OMGs, I wrote something!!!!!! Okay, so it's in a basically defunct fandom that I never felt the need to write in for a relatively rare pairing, but it's FIC. (It's over here if anyone's interested; it's just over 2000 words of Poltergeist: the Legacy Derek/Nick pre-slash, so mild I even rated it G and we all know how I usually rate everything one level higher, lol)

Third, I may have to kill Arthur, she knows why and that's enough. *mutters about bloody Russians and Spikey tendencies and "aroused assassin"s*

Fourth. I have paperwork to fill out (again), a decided lack of drugs (so forgive me if I'm extra un-social, 'm not exactly ignoring ppl, I'm more avoiding the world while trying to keep my brain and BP in check sans-meds... it's a full time job *mrphle*), fic to beta, books to read, telly to catch up on, and fandoms to resist... I'm swamped! Lol.
heavenlyxbodies: (Default)
Pup and I went to the couples counseling the other day… it went okay, mostly background stuff, so hard to tell how it’s gonna go, but it had all good signs, so we’ll see.
I also got the results from the psych eval… and yes, I have yet another dx I am now known as Princess BiPolar, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Banana Fanna Asperger the Third, but you can call me Dot. (I know bad joke, but it’s always what I think of when I start rattling off my dx’s, and even there I couldn’t fit in the social and agoraphobia, lol). So yeah, lots of fun there.

I also did something I just don’t do, no matter how badly the muses and life are behaving- I dropped out of not just one, but both of my Christmas exchanges, incl [profile] deancas_xmas, which I’ve completed every year it’s been around, even the two years they gave me squick city prompts/likes/dislikes. Seriously have you ppl seen how many times I use the words “happy endings” and “I don’t write fallen/human!Cas”… I repeat the later a minimum of 5 times in my ‘dislikes’ and ‘what I won’t write’ sections, each, you would think they’d take the hint, lol. Anyway, I’m trying (and failing) not to get uber depressed about that. Doesn’t help that I’ve barely written more than a sentence or two in something like five or six months. :/
It also doesn’t help that I started to get a bunch of favourites on some of my old Dean/Cas fic (usually happens when the season starts and during hellatus) and I wound up going back over some of them and came to the very depressing conclusion that they sucked; which is extra depressing ‘cause I really enjoy(ed) writing Dean/Cas and those fics… right now I have the urge to delete them all from existence.
*sighs* Sometimes, esp lately, I think maybe I should just give up fandom altogether; I mean, seriously thinking about it, not just those bouts of self-doubt that I think all writers (and everyone else) go through from time to time (we just seem to do it more often, lol).
On the upside someone fav’d a story of mine on WWOMB that I couldn’t remember, so I went to look and I actually liked it. On the downside, it was a fic written for a friend, who isn’t a friend anymore, almost an enemy you could say, I usually settle for backstabbing bitch, though, in a matter of a couple hours, in a fandom I don’t write in, for a pairing that I have major misgivings about. *sighs* And the damn thing was actually pretty good. :/
I still feel like deleting everything or at least denying the existence of it all, remove any trace of my existence, change my penname to anon or something and erase all my details and put my fic comm on lockdown.

All the movie reminiscing lead to my deciding to follow a whim and see if I could actually find all 4 seasons of PtL. I’ve tried on occasion with little to no luck… but this time… this time I found all 4. :D By the time I actually post this they will be in my grubby little hands and the Clan may not see me for many, many days… or at least they wouldn’t if I had my way, lol.
NB- Since I started rewatching Legacy, I am having the subtle strings of an urge to find SPN/PtL crossovers, even though I sincerely doubt that any exist… and before you start suggesting it, no, I do not feel the urge/motivation/inspiration or otherwise to rectify this grievous oversight. Btb, if anyone knows of any said crossovers, even gen… maybe even het if it’s Derek/Rachel, I can stomach Derek/Rachel… let me know, PPPPPPLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSS.

Right now, I’m supposed to be fixing this blasted dress for HRH. I don’t mind really. I just hate it when she asks me to take something up and it winds up with me doing things like add sleeves. I hate sleeves. Sleeves are the spawn of the devil. Esp putting sleeves on a dress not meant to have sleeves without the arm of the person said sleeve is supposed to go on, after having had to do rather large adjustments of both the breastline and the shoulders. *sighs* But I’ll get it done. I found an old pattern with a basic sleeve that I’m altering to hopefully fit the bill. Yay-rah.
Oh, and Fanboy thinks I’m talking to him again. I fed him the other day and now he thinks we’re back on speaking terms ‘cause I said like three words to him ("take," "here," and "yes" I believe). Thing is about a week ago I thought I might actually be there, but then I started having nightmares again. So far no nightmares, and I’ve stopped tensing so hard I hurt every time he comes in the room. To his credit he’s not pushing, just being rather obvious with the talking. We’ll see.

You guys know how I admit to liking weird music, and not necessarily weird in its nature, but weird in the hide-it-under-the-bed-in-an-old-shoebox-so-nobody-knows-you-actually-like-that way. I try very hard to let my guard slip here, since I can’t hear the ridicule or see the horrified condescending looks (did I mention they said I had marked levels of paranoia during the eval?). Anyway, every now and then I actually get in a Christmasy mood, music-wise, and I’ve been slowly, moreso the last couple years, but still pretty slowly working on gathering a collection of Christmas music- and really trying to locate songs that you never knew who they were by or rarely heard when they weren’t being sung by your family is a pain in the ass. But anyway, some of the stuff is just, you know, standard generic holiday, snow frolicking, well-wishing, blah, blah, blah stuff and some of it’s more uh, religious, for lack of a better word; not because I’m religious in that sense, hello, pagan, but it’s just the stuff you grew up with and just because something is ‘religious’ in nature doesn’t mean it’s not pretty or enjoyable. Well, like I said I’ve been working on getting a collection together and have finally managed a small selection of stuff I grew up with, and a lot of it I’ve even managed to identify the artist involved- I am unabashedly proud of this accomplishment, lol. And well, the other day I was cooking, baking actually, and was playing my music… it took all of about five minutes before Pup was ragging on me about it being all “hallelujah this and hallelujah that”- not my fault she doesn’t like Handel. Yeah, well, she’s not letting me live it down either… ‘s hard enough to get me to admit what stuff I like, esp when it’s something I feel self-conscious about, I really don’t need her of all ppl making me feel like shit for it. *sighs*
heavenlyxbodies: (SPN trenchedcrusader)
Well, then...head shrinkage and other headache inducing activities :P )

I've taken a small break from my horror movie fest to make room for a new found guilty pleasure... 2 full seasons in less than a week, obsessive much? Lol. And since I'm almost caught up with that I bit the bullett and started watching the rest of S7 of SPN... it's pretty bad. I mean, it's like... you know those baaaaaaad filler eps that would sometimes sneak in during Kripke's reign? It's like episode upon episode of that. It's tripe, and ooc. OOC! How the hells do you go OOC in canon!?!?!?!?! *head desk* I so hope Carver is salvaging my show. Gods know I have more faith in him that Gamble (and that was true before she utterly destroyed it her reign). *grumblemrphlegrumble*

And for a bit of good silliness, Steve McGarrett and Castiel are currently in a no holds barred cage fight for my soul!
The betting windows are still open, place your bets while you can. :P
heavenlyxbodies: (SPN weep)
You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure if there's anything left of me

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating up our brains
Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

You ask me why I'm weary, why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever...
I can't say if we're ever gonna to be free

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let theses shakes go on

You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
My energy's spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on

Veteran of the Psychic Wars- Blue Öyster Cult

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heavenlyxbodies: (CM hell)
You know how sometimes I just post “eskimo” when I’m not doing okay… I figure those who get it deserve to, but anyway. I have discovered in recent days that there is something beyond eskimo, something as yet unnamed. I’ve barely talked to Sensei or the rest of my gaming ppl, I haven’t really been up to facing anyone he last couple days (part of why I’m trying to make myself write this). I mean after everything the last month I think I’m finally breaking. I think the final straw has been my shrink. I mean, he KNOWS that I have no faith in ppl, as a species I think they are cruel and innately malevolent. He and Pup ganged up on me last time I saw him because of it, so I know he knows. And Monday I actually went down to his office and left him a letter… everybody (or at least most ppl) knows how hard it is for me to make calls, add that to everything that’s happened and we probably would have entered the next ice age before I managed to stay on the line long enough to talk to him. I even checked to see if he was in. And here it is Sunday and he hasn’t so much as called to say we’ll talk about it Monday (tomorrow), when I see him again… That on top of his already making me feel like shit for thinking ppl suck, giving me the “walking” speech as if that’ll cure my ills- hello, I’ve been in some form of therapy pretty much since I was 16, I think, we’ve covered ‘ways to help you depression 101’ by now- and making me fight for a therapist is not going over well. I mean really this guy is supposed to be trained in this shit and he can’t see what he’s doing? Or worse, he’s one of those whose intent is to make you feel like this; I’ve had those before… the last one almost got bitch-slapped, literally.

...continued psychodrama )

Now in other news, I have watched more horror movies in the last month than I have in the last, oh pretty much since I’ve been here. These don't contain descriptions as it's hard enough for me to do that and there's just too many, lol.

Oh, the horror (or not), Pt 2 )
heavenlyxbodies: (Default)
So, I've been on a movie watching kick the last few days (figured I needed a break from all the angsty/heavy drama stuff I've been watching) and since I've been pretty much ignoring everyone (nothing personal just were the brain is), I thought maybe I'd share y unsolicited and most like unpopular opinions. :P

I was looking for suspense/horror...
this is what I got... (pls forgive my short not-so-good summaries, I have a hard enough time writing my fic summaries, so...)

Oh, the horror!!! (or not) )

The dental nightmare is being nightmarish. The stitches came out last Thursday and promptly on Friday I started having horrible, horrible pain in one of the teeth next to the pins. It felt like someone had gripped the tooth in a pair of pliers and was twisting it... I'm having to take as much or more painkillers than after the surgery to make it stop hurting. And yes, I went back for an emergency appt on Monday and they don't know what's wrong. There may be the beginnings of an infection, but it wasn't big enough on the x-ray to be sure, the tooth that's hurting had a cap put on it a couple months ago and it was/is a lot bigger than the original tooth ever was and they said I was biting on it too hard... it's actively loose. :( Anyway, they filed it down so hopefully I won't bite so hard and want me to follow up with my regular dentist, unfortunately his next available appt isn't until early November, but they did tell me not to hesitate to call if the pain keeps up. Yay-rah! :/

HRH and I are going at it most of the time these days. She's constantly whining about not getting to watch telly every single time she wants, and complaining about me watching my baseball and forensic shows. *sighs* I really do not understand. Pup got ESPN America for the sole purpose of allowing me to watch my baseball- I say she got it because I hadn't so much as asked for it, but she'd seen how much I was watching it when we first moved in and they hadn't set up all the cable blocks for the channels we weren't supposed to get- yet I'm not allowed to actually watch it. And all of them are all like "didn't you watch this game yesterday/the other day" and don't seem to understand the concept of 'series'. *head desk* Anyway, now that it's the post-season I'm being much bitchier about it, which is not going over well at all. So many fights... Top it off with HRH's continued refusal to help out around the house- and she's constantly blaming it on things like not having this or that fancy cleaner or not being able to watch telly or, and this is my favourite, not being up to it because she's been out with her friends all day/night... this does not make me empathize with her. *sighs*

I'm still getting better at this attacking business in Utopia. :D I actually came out really well from our last war. Hehe. And sensei introduced me to plunder attacks >:) it's like thief ops with your army, lol. I like stealing other ppls things. Yes, I am evil, but it's soooooooo much fun.

I haven't written anything in ages. I was just taking a break... and now I have all these half formed ideas niggling at me and the [community profile] merlin_holidays exchange to do, but nothing wants to actually start. :/ But once I get the teeth pain under control I plan to try to actually focus on that.

Oh, yes... I got a call today from the ppl doing my Aspie eval, and they asked if they could bump me over to Stockholm, since it will be a lot quicker, like before the end of the year type quicker. :D Still haven't heard about the therapist, and still not doing good on the whole... too close to the edge among other things. About lost it when some pushy bint started tapping my arm- not my shoulder, my arm... there... at least I didn't round on her, but still spent most of the day uber on edge. *sigh* I really am not doing good, well, not as good as I was, still, hella better than it used to be.

In a random sports note- the Cards made the post-season!!! Of course, so did the Nats, the O's, and the Braves, if only in a fight for the wildcard spot. I'm routing for the Cards as you might expect... it kinda sucks that the three teams I like in the NL are all up against each other in the first wave of post-season games, lol. Although, at least I'll know early on who I've got to choose between. :)

ETA- Well, that was fun. I stuck to my guns and told HRH I wasn't feeding her since she wasn't helping out- it's been over two weeks since I made the declaration. This led to a huge blow up with much yelling and calling me names and did I mention the yelling? Screeching would be more accurate. Anyway... she finally did some of her dishes- slamming and clashing and leaving stuff in the sink rather than putting it up; I'm surprised she managed to do it without breaking anything. Pup even went off about the mess in the living room and how she just spreads her shit all over the place... *sighs* I hold no illusions that this will be the end of things, more likely the beginning, but at least she knows I mean what I say now.

And now that I am nicely stressed out by that screaming fit HRH just had, I think I am going to curl up with my sore tooth and my warm cuddly cardigan and watch some bad movies until the Cards-Nats game comes on.
heavenlyxbodies: (Merlin donkey!Arthur invalid)
Greetings from Cas m2!
So after a few days of awful- ranging from missed buses, messed up groceries, and general bad day-ness to Cas dying a slow and painful death and Fanboy and I discovering HS has been Skyping and send pics of her in her underwear to a 16yro... and he was one of the younger ones, we found one guy who was like 32. And we found out the we were right and she was really sneaking off downtown to meet a boy/boys... we just didn't know how old they were (Pup has the horrible tendency to believe her, and tell me I'm being overbearing or paranoid *sigh*). So, yeah. And Pup wonders why I keep saying we need to keep an eye on HS on-line and off. And Pup won't let me put the parental controls on to keep her from going to some of the sites she's going to- a 10yro has no business being on strangers.se and the like. Anyway, after those wonderful few days I got the money to go get a new laptop... things have been a bit more normal since then. And after some careful hunting and speaking with my parrot Cas m2 is now fully equipped. I even got Photoshop CS6 installed (still trying to figure it out, but it's installed... we'll see if it lasts, I can always go back to my trusty Gimp if needs be :D ).

...and everything else )

heavenlyxbodies: (JM Burundi)
So I survived the amusement park. It was actually a lot of fun. HS didn't have any screaming sessions and HRH only got in one fight with Fanboy, lol. Somehow, I got browbeaten talked into going on the Free Fall with HS (no one else would brave it, lol)- it was fun, I didn't even burst anyone's eardrums with my screaming. And they had a couple new coasters, including a wooden one, well, partly wooden. I think it was designed to give the overall feel of a wooden coaster, which it did admirably, with the added support of a steel support structure. Whatever the idea, it was brilliant. :D I could have happily ridden that one all day, lol.

We went up to this shopping centre a couple days before that- it's the only proper 'mall' they have imo and it was actually pretty big, and... I bought stuff!!!!! I finally found my pens! And Pup promptly gave me a hard time for not buying a million of them, lol. I told her that's why I bought two and not just one. The things last me forever even with how much I hand write fic and research notes and stuff, my last one lasted me over six months, so two is plenty. I also bought new leggings, a tank top, and a light weight 'cardigan'- big spending there, lol. I also got the nerve up to ask Pup to help me order new jeans and a top from this one catalogue, haven't done it yet, but I actually spoke up about something I need/want. *is proud*

This walking thing is still only making me feel worse. :/ Sometimes I wonder if it'd actually make me feel better if I went at night. Night's always better for me, so maybe it'd work then. I don't know, just something else to think about and deal with.

Doc said I'm alive and all my tests were within normal range for a type 2 diabetic- he even took me off one of my diabetes meds (not that big a deal when you consider that the pharmacies 'round here have a problem getting it in so I haven't been properly on it for almost a year, still I'm diabetic and almost a decade ago they said I'd be on insulin within the year- I wasn't, and now they've taken off two of my three diabetes meds, so it's all good; and ohhhhhh, look at this run-on sentence, a parenthetical one even :P ) and said they could increase the dosage of the one I'm on if needs be, another oddity, since I was told I was on the max dosage, hence the other two diabetes meds. Whatever, it's a good thing. :D

I'm going slightly nuts with Utopia. My KD's leadership is not what it should be, but he's been the monarch there for YEARS, so it's not like I can call him out on any of it. *grr* And compared to a lot of KDs he's good. I have a friend who's moving to another KD with a friend of his and he wants me to go with him. Me and two others, basically those of us who actually planned and tried to run proper wars and kept us from getting thoroughly wasted in the ones we were in. But I don't think his friend likes me... I'm a thief and she mainly wants attackers. :/ And she totally verbally bitch-slapped me when I asked what she thought about doing a T/A. My friend says he'll help me go attacker, I've only ever been T/M or hybrid, and he really wants me there (and he's helping me figure out a way to go T/A without officially going T/A, lol), but I don't think their monarch is gonna let me in, and there's less than a day left before the Age resets. *sighs* I really want to be in a working KD. I really want to stay a thief, but I can try attacker if I'm in a decent KD. Sometimes I think I expect too much since I was monarch for four Ages, years ago, I have standards that other monarchs don't. And do not misinterpret that- I do not want to be monarch again; I just have ideas on how a KD should be run. Oh, well, we'll see what today brings.

I did drop the blog!fic out of the big bang and I feel better about it, now I can sort it out properly and not try to force it out. It was a good decision. Now, if I could only get my Giles voice to work properly, I could finish Briana's b-day fic... *sighs* If it's not one thing, it's another, lol. On a happier or at least more satisfying note, my other big bang fic, Battle Hymns, is all wrapped up; put the finishing touches on it last night and my artist has done some absolutely amazing art for it. :D
In related news:
I GOT MY POSTING DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 15th of August if anyone's wondering. It's the last fic to go up. I'm excited! And terrified; like I told Arthur, I'm gonna be a wreck and hiding behind her once it goes up- I always get freaked when I post to a new fandom, or to a big bang, and with this I'm doing both! *head desk* (No, I'm not counting my 221B, since I only posted it on AO3 and it's a bloody sappy drabble; this 'll be my first proper foray into Sherlock fandom... why do I do this to myself again? Oh, yes, Glutton For Punishment.)

Okay, Mys' shutting up now; got dishes that need doing and drying laundry that needs tending and all those other lovely housey things.

heavenlyxbodies: (JM Burundi)
Good news-

It looks like they finally fixed my SSD! Yay, I'm crazy again!!!! Seriously, all it took was sending the paperwork in three times to two different offices, getting ignored by my caseworker and have her refuse to arrange to talk to me (or to my mom who has my POA for just such occasions *head desk*) and tell me I need to talk to another office, but not give me the contact info, and a nasty note sent in with the last set of paperwork saying just that... but I still haven't received any notification, just a magically appearing deposit in my bank account from Soc Sec. *sighs* One day I will figure it out, but not today; today I am just accepting something good happening and not looking at it too closely.
On a related note, Mys went shopping! And yes, this is Mys' idea of a shopping spree. I bought a new backpack, I've had my other one for 8 or 9 years and it was secondhand when I got it, lol. I bought new shoelaces from the place that has the shoelaces that I don't kill within a month, and insoles for my boots. A new writing pad, the other one only had about 5 blank pages left and considering it's gotten me through 3 big bang fics over the course of two years and a handful of other smaller fics I needed to take notes on, I didn't feel too guilty about it. I also bought a pen! I finally found a fine point blue Pilot, not the kind I wanted, but considering how hard it is to find a fine point pen of any kind around here, I'll take it, lol. Oh, and socks! I was down to my last two pair from the ones I got winter before last. We're planning to go up to Stockholm this week and I thoroughly plan to buy books at the Sci-Fi Bookstore, now whether or not I actually find anything I haven't read or have is another matter entirely, lol. And there is an outside chance I may see about getting new boots, the ones I have I got two years ago and after two Swedish winters they're showing their age, and some new jeans, I'm down to one pair and they're, uhh, whatdya call the ones that only come to your calf? Whatever, it's a pair of those that I've had to patch up twice already, of course, I've had them since before I moved here, so they're doing pretty good for being about 6 or 7 years old, lol. See, I'm really good at this spending spree thing, *tongue firmly planted in cheek* lol. It's the one cliché thing about BP I don't really suffer from; don't get me wrong, I can go on a binge just like anyone else, but that's the thing it's like anyone else, not like someone in the throes of a mania, or maybe it is... it's the one of the only times I'll actually say I want something, of course, most ppl just take that as me getting past my other dx's... so few docs understand the difference, but that's another tale.

I've gotten previews of some of the art for Battle Hymns!!!! It's brilliant! *hugs art* And she's trying to do something from the scene(s) Mia and I asked for (nearly impossible in my opinion, so I'm just soaring on the fact that she's trying to do it :D ).

Not so good news-

My blood sugar is all over the place, so the doc is running all sorts of tests, which is good I guess, at least this guy's taking me seriously. I'll know more Monday. *crosses fingers*

I hate my shrink. I've calmed down about the therapy thing, Pup keeps telling me I over-reacted and that he really does want to get me a therapist- nothing I heard said that, but I was already freaking out so I'm trying to at least tell myself I believe her. *sigh* I'm managing to get a 'list' thing together for him- slowly- I just don't see how to make these things "measurable", but I'm trying.

Oh, and I finally started watching S7... only four eps in... and not exactly a happy camper, but I have yet to attack the tv, so it's a start- I'm making Fanboy sit through it with me, which helps, gives me someone to rant at, lol.

Bad news-

I'm 99% sure I'm dropping out of the JLBB, well, the blog!fic one... it's just killing me. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere I go over it and realize it's either utter garbage or taking the story in a direction I don't want to go... I swear I've deleted enough for at least three 10k+ fics. And now I'm trying something a bit different that involves writing blog entries for John, so I went and read over all the entries on the BBC page... my gods, they are AWFUL! I mean seriously, if I was reading that, guh... if it were a fic I would actually stop reading and put the author on my mental 'Do Not Read' list. And do you have any idea how hard it is to mimic that kind of awful writing?!?!?!?! *rocks head in hands* Kill me now, pls...

I have two other birthday fics I'm supposed to be writing and that one *points angrily upwards* is totally fic-blocking me. Grrrr.
Brianna, one of those is yours, and I will get it done if I have to stab the blog!fic through the heart with a nice sharp stake to keep it pinned down and out of my way!

Back to the shrink. He was getting on me about not getting out and walking and stuff like that. Which, I know, walking and exercise are supposed to help with endorphins or whatever it's supposed to release, so to humour him and Pup I've been walking to the store and taking the bus home (I always walk to and from the close store, this is the big one), and walking downtown and back (when I'm coming back and not going to the store)... it's only making me feel worse. I told Pup I was being good and walking places, she was all upset because I wasn't telling her how much better I felt... I told her the truth- I feel worse; drained and stressed out and not so much tired as just uber lethargic with no energy or interest in doing anything. She just glared at me and went back to her writing. *sigh* It's not my fault the 'magic' cure (or aid rather) isn't working and it's not my fault that it's just exacerbating the down I'm already on... Now, I just wonder if the doc'll believe me. :/

heavenlyxbodies: (JM rum)
Well, I’m still alive if anyone’s interested. The dentist has not managed to kill me yet, though I think he gave it a good try yesterday, lol.
I ate a popsicle last Friday! The Clan did not understand the value of this… I’ve never been able to actually eat as in bite into and chew a popsicle before. It was novel to say the least. :)
I should know by August/September if my bone can take the implants or if it’ll be permanent bridges, either way it’s gonna be weird, ‘m having enough trouble getting used to the prosthesis and the cap, well, that’s not exactly true, I am used to them, I’m just not used to having teeth that sit properly or for that matter are whole.

In other news, for those who may have missed it, I finished Battle Hymns (aka the-fic-I’m-not-supposed-to-be-writing) and it’s off with my Brit-picker, but, more than that, it’s off with my artist! *chews lip nervously*

In other, other news, my other (wonder if I can fit any more “other”s into this sentence) fic, the infamous blog!fic, is dying a slow and painful death. :/ Okay, so it might not be that bad, but it feels like it, and unfortunately it has as much to do with my head as anything. I can’t think straight, literally. My brain feels like ‘m playing a game of Frogger… in the dark… without my glasses on... complete with the ensuing headache.
I wonder if I tell my doc that if he’d understand. I miss the last guy, he was better… I hate this not being able to choose my p-doc, but that’s something else entirely.

*takes deep breath* Okay, now, I think I can get back to the fic ‘m reading, and who knows maybe eventually get some of my own work done- hey, I can dream, can’t I!!!!!

heavenlyxbodies: (SPN smite)
The road so far... (in which Mys' life feels too much like S3 of SPN, if only in my head)

  • finally get a call back from the psych ward and they give me appt with someone I've never heard of on the 31st

  • get the paper with the doc's name and exact time for the appt and, unless I'm completely off, they book me with a psychologist not a psychiatrist. *head desk* This is useless for me wanting/needing my cocktail messed with.

  • I can barely be bothered with anything, even tumblr

  • when I am over there I wind up all angsty and upset (more than is called for) over three generations of Reichenbach and random acts of Jeremy Brett.

  • I've been working through my Who, and am at, well, the change over from Ten to Eleven... just thinking about it makes me disturbingly weepy

  • it was the SPN finale last night, and damn it, I kinda want to watch it, even though I hear it's big

  • and just now, one of the other players in my game (the only thing I am really being any good at being bothered with 'cause, hey, casting spells and stealing things from ppl makes me happy) has sent what is either a badly worded encouragement or, to my way of thinking right now, insults under a flimsy veil of half-arsed sarcasm.

  • I think I'll just go to bed and cry now.

heavenlyxbodies: (Merlin Merlin don't fuck with me)
What the ever flying FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I'm not doing good, yeah, and haven't been for a while now. And I FINALLY get the nerve up, or maybe just realized how bad I was doing, to call my p-doc. Not easy when you've got my DXs. And I get told that my doc doesn't work there anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, AND apparently I'm on a waiting list for a new doc. Thing is my doc was NEW he'd just started. You guys know what hells I went through with the doc change this winter, how fucking terrified I was. And how much I really liked this guy. He didn't treat me like an idiot AND he actually understood my PTSD, how it was a build up and not just a single pinpointable thing. He was even talking about getting me into proper therapy for it. Now, they're telling me he's gone... I torn between crying like a baby and angry and terrified. Yeah, and I was supposed to have an appointment in, like, July, so the guy I was talking to wasn't exactly in a hurry to find me someone. I'm already totally on edge, trying not to just scream and cry constantly... and now this. Lst time they put me on a waiting list, well, it's been almost three years and I'm still on that waiting list, admittedly that list is to get eval'ed for Aspergher and ADHD so it's not considered 'sensitive'. Doesn't help that my Swedish isn't that good, well, the speaking it part, I can understand most of it, every now and then I get stuck, you know words I haven't heard before or often- I got totally stuck on 'anaesthesia' at the hygienist yesterday, but really how often do you hear that in everyday conversation. Yeah, and that whole language thing has been another problem, it's hard to talk psych stuff even if I was fluent, and because of where I live there aren't very many translators that speak English, and there's another waiting list for them.
Seriously though, what's the world got against me right now. I'm not doing good, my only friends are doing even worse, and now my doc's disappeared!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Oh, and the guy told me he'd forward a msg to 'the team'. There is NO team! That's why I could only see the one doc. There's only one doc on staff that treats BP. And this guy, he tries to tell me Dr. Eriksson is on file as my doc- Dr. Eriksson transferred to the emergency psychward that was the entire reason I had to go through the hell of getting a new doc! I'm so confused. I really don't want some filler doc, esp if they're not used to treating my DXs...
I think I will go look for chocolate and my aardvark, maybe Jack, and my blanky... what, so I'm thirtysomething and still have teddies and my old baby blanket, I'm also nuts and not doing okay, you really expect normal from me?

heavenlyxbodies: (Default)
So, I did something my shrink might be proud of... I opened a side blog on tumblr and put up a bunch of my gifs, mostly (like 99%) my Sherlock ones, and my 221B. I'm thinking of trying to use it as a dump site for my gifs (obviously) and maybe some of my strange half fics/drabbles that have no real place in other fic or much of a chance of becoming fic in their own right. We'll see. It's locked down atm to spare ppl having to witness my butchery, or more likely to spare me from their butchery, but it's hard to tell...

I've started to get scared about the dental thing... it's like this low hum of anxiety that every now and then pops it's head up and screams THEY'RE TAKING YOUR TEETH then drops back down to just lying there snickering at me. And it didn't help the panic attack I had today. Some damnable thing event dooha downtown had ppl and children everywhere, and I had been sent to the sweets store... you couldn't move for the damn things they were everywhere under foot over foot slamming into you and just... yeah, it was a small miracle I made it out of there, and a full blown second coming type miracle I didn't blow up or start screaming and hitting ppl. I would've been proud if I could even catch my breath. So, yeah...

For the record, my fic is being weird. I wrote the same scene no less than three times- two of them on the same day. I thought I'd fixed it when I managed to merge those two, then I found the third which I'd forgotten I'd written. *head desk* That and the fact that my John muse is so not being helpful in one of them and my Sherlock muse is being well, erm, troubled in the other... I think I may have broke him. :(

Okay, going back to my fic and obsessing over tumblr, writing good.

heavenlyxbodies: (TP librarian)
Soooooo, long time, no post...
First off, 'm fine or as fine as I ever am.. okay, nevermind, lol.

A bunch of random stuff you don't want to know )

In a minute 'm gonna post something else, so I apologize if it looks like 'm spamming, promise I don't mean to and there shouldn't be anything else today, k.

heavenlyxbodies: (Sherlock Sherlock jaded)
So, I guess it's 'cause of where my head is, as opposed to where it should be, but I got the itching to read some, erm, triggery fic, PTSD and that sort of thing, I guess I was looking for some comfort, even if it was seeing/reading one of my characters going through it and getting the comfort they needed... I have since decided that these ppl are morons. No offence really meant by that 'cause a lot of them get the PTSD basics right, but they don't seem to be able to fit it to the character- I find THAT infuriating and it kinda leaves me completely unfulfilled and more than a little angry. 'm not sure I should be, since most of the ppl who get the PTSD part right have probably lived it, but I still find it upsetting... I know it can be done, 've seen it done, moulded to the characters and their particular psyche. *sighs* I guess I just expect too much from fandom.
heavenlyxbodies: (S/X disappear)
Warning Possible Triggers )
And after the whole rehash with the new shrink yesterday, it's like fresh and might as well have been ten years ago.

To give you an idea, 'm trying to figure out how to fucking text Scotland so I can get my Kyo... ... ...

Any of you know the country code for Scotland and how to dial it from Europe?
heavenlyxbodies: (CM hell)
You guys remember how I was freaking over my P-doc leaving and me getting handed over to some new person with no say in it whatsoever... not just that, but his replacement was a woman!
Weeeellllll, I got a letter this afternoon with my next appointment ('ve been dreading it just ask Arthur) anyway, the name on the paper is Tomazs something... now, correct me if 'm wrong, but isn't that a guy's name? It has given me hope! Maybe this won't be so awful afterall... *crosses fingers*

Don't worry I haven't suddenly formed some strange optimistic side. :p~ I still have my SSI review to sort out and Pup got appts for her hand surgery and another procedure (which apparently I am not suitably concerned enough with), so it's not like this possible goodish news isn't counterbalanced by other ick, lol.



heavenlyxbodies: (Default)


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